On Learning to Live Our Own Life: The Discovery of Joy

Forward movement does not have to be magnanimous in order to be significant. In our consumer, achievement oriented culture we have this idea that moving forward has to be in leaps and bounds. Yes, we have little fables that teach us it’s not always so, such as the Tortoise and the Hare, but on the whole, we like to believe our attempts at success go somewhere, do something, and when they don’t in the timeframe we expected, we choose to do something else, or give up entirely.

Small steps in the right direction should not be underestimated. Take any practice, be it prayer, writing, playing the piano, doing a sport – you will get better results by doing something consistently, than by practicing in large chunks once in a while. Any kind of consistency is forward movement.

Why am I writing this?

Because life is about showing up and doing the work of consistently being present. It’s about staying in the game and not checking out with numbing techniques that sever your heart from your head, your soul from your body. Life is about living in the beauty of the pain and the joy and attending to it. 

At one point, I could have made my living by being absent from the real stuff of my life because I was so good at it. I numbed my pain, lived in denial, and ignored what hurt me. Because, well, it hurt. And then, an earthquake happened and the pain was so severe, so bewildering, I couldn’t detach myself anymore. I had to attend to the sorrow. Which was tricky. Because it felt like a Tsunami. I thought it would take me out. And if we’re being honest, it almost did. I didn’t attend to it perfectly, either. I drank too much. I read too many romance novels, and I pretended I was fine a whole hell of a lot more than I really was. Which is a form of deception – one, I’m quite good at.

However, even if I’ve done it in fits and starts, I’ve still gained ground. I am learning how to tell the truth about my own life, which we do by living our lives and owning our shit. I am learning to live in the present. Day by day. I have slowly learned to be here. Right now. Attend to this moment. And not run away from feelings of discomfort and fear by burying my head in a fantasy life, or reading smut novels, or gossiping about other people in order to avoid feeling my own feelings. Instead, I’m learning to acknowledge my feelings, talk to myself in the midst of them, and practice prayer. Prayer actually helps with this stuff. Real shocker, I know. 

Why am I writing this?

Because it’s an important thing to learn. Because it’s do or die, baby. This is where the rubber meets the road on the pathway to joy and authenticity. This is the crossroads. Am I going to show up to my own life and live it, or am I going to numb all the things that make me uncomfortable and pretend that all is well?

We were set down here to be ourselves … and we can’t be ourselves if we’re trying to make everyone around us comfortable.

We were set down here to live …. we can’t live if we’re trying to escape all the things that move us toward life. Life has joy and sorrow, success and failure, rejection and overwhelming pleasure. You can’t choose, you can’t pick the ones you like and toss out the other realities. It doesn’t work that way.

Gratitude is the pathway to real joy. It is impossible to be numb and feel grateful. The two do not go hand in hand. The scary thing is when the numbness wears off and we wake up — we’re going to feel more than just the joy. We’re going to feel the sorrow, the ache, the hurt, the awful feelings of failure and the realization that we can’t go back in time and change anything. This is what we’ve got. The present.

It takes courage to show up to your own life and live it. No one said it was easy. But it is worth it. It’s worth it to remember that forward movement, even in small steps is still forward movement. Be present today. Feel your feelings. Attend to them. Offer them to God. Then, say a prayer of thanks, for whatever you’re thankful for. This gives a kind of order to live life, and it sets us on a forward moving pathway to joy.

Prayer.

Gratitude.

Presence.