The Serenity to Accept

When something happens against my will, be it tiny or monstrous, I usually get out of sorts. It’s my first knee-jerk reaction.

My tendency is to run off at the mouth and vent for the better part of twenty minutes or twenty days or twenty months – depending on the circumstances. I flail about and bemoan how nothing is as it should be, hem and haw about how it could all have been better if only people would behave better. I rant and rave, wave my arms in frustration … turn red in the face, and swear a whole bunch.

In the midst of my turmoil, I vent to whomever is there to lend an ear. Lots of times, it’s God. With God, I shake my fists, cry, weep, wail, scream. Somewhere along the way I usually get tired of hearing my own voice and start to seek God’s perspective, which is almost always altogether different than my own.

I begin to settle down and find my center of gravity, and move to a place of quiet where I can hear myself think.

Over the years, I’ve come to appreciate The Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the SERENITY to accept the things, I cannot change,

the COURAGE to change the things I can,

and the WISDOM to know the difference.

When it comes to sanity and healing, to sustainability in living this life — accepting the things we cannot change is absolutely vital. It’s paramount to everything. It’s the big clincher. Acceptance is the beginning of finding our way forward.

The big things I have to learn how to accept are …

 MYSELF. I have to accept myself. At some point or another in my life, I have to look at myself in the mirror – naked and without makeup – and come to an honest level of authentic self-acceptance. If I want to be healthy and whole, I have to accept myself just as I am. Not as I wish I were. Not in a delusional “I’m perfect and everything about me is magnificent,” but in an honest, to goodness, This is me. I have admirable qualities. I have good gifts to give and honest strengths to bring to the table. And I’ve been harmed by life. I’m imperfect and there’s some serious glitches. But for better or for worse, this is me. I accept myself and so does God. God loves me just as I am and I receive God’s love as unconditional. (Sometimes, we need help with this. Sometimes, our hearts are damaged and have been so wounded, we don’t know how to accept unconditional love. Love just pours out of us like a bottomless cup. Sometimes we’re trapped in painful situations and don’t have the courage or the wherewithal to accept ourselves and move toward healing. In those situations, we may need outside help. There’s nothing wrong with getting help! Therapy, anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, re-hab, prayer groups, counselors, church programs etc …) Note: Accepting ourselves for who we are doesn’t mean we won’t grow and change and become better or more thoughtful or whatever … but growth will not happen without a healthy, generous dose of self-acceptance.

OTHERS. I have to accept other people and stop trying to change them. Even if it’s for their own good. It doesn’t matter. People have to have the freedom to be responsible for their own lives. If I want to be sane and whole and healthy, I have to accept people and enjoy them and appreciate them just as they are. (This is tricky … which is why we need wisdom and why we pray. Because this stuff is hard. Navigating relationships with human beings is difficult. Praise God for pets!) But, when I ask God to help me accept the things I cannot change, one of the things I cannot change, is you. And it’s good that I can’t change you. No one should have that kind of power.

The Past. I cannot change what has happened. I cannot change the past. I cannot re-write it. I can make amends and apologize. I can seek to understand the varying shades of truth and understand what happened more completely. I can regret things I’ve done in the past. I can wish things were different. I can even invite God into my past and ask God to heal and restore, to bring a new perspective. But, I cannot change what was. Healing comes from all kinds of disaster, but not when I’m unwilling to accept the past and name it. If I want to move about with hope in the middle of my present, and step toward the future with courage and boldness, I have to look at my past with an honest and forthright acceptance of what has happened and be real.

I have to accept the things I cannot change. There are so many things I cannot change. Most of my inner struggles come from me trying to change the things I cannot change, refusing to change the things I actually can change, and not having the wisdom to know the difference!

When I finally calm down, step back from a situation, pray for serenity to accept what I cannot change … I stop pointing the finger of blame, take responsibility for my part in everything, and begin to move into a place of integrity and honesty and then, real change becomes possible.

Tell me … Of those three things, which one is the hardest for you accept?

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