We set out on our journeys with God and sometimes without even realizing it, we also have a set of very specific desired outcomes. What happens when none of it turns out as expected? My dear friend, Katie, shares her journey below as a guest post this week.
There are times in life when I feel it takes God ages to answer me. Long seasons of silence. Dark nights. Desert paths. As God and I have journeyed together, I’ve learned that treasure lies not only on the other side of that desert but often right there in the middle of it. So I should theoretically welcome even those difficult seasons, right? The intimacy forged in the fire? The fellowship of suffering? Right… And yet, after 38 years of life, I still have a lot of growing to do. And I still relish the moments when God graciously speaks directly into a moment, right away, as he did a few weeks ago.
I was – of all things – on a safari. A real adventure (read: budget!). A friend had come to visit and we found a deal we couldn’t pass up, so there we were, traveling through the Maasai Mara in a van with a pop-up roof, surrounded by breathtaking nature and a bunch of rowdy strangers. We were nearing the end of our first game drive and dusk was approaching. We had seen lions, buffalo, gazelle, zebras… we were watching a thunderstorm in the distance… at times that day, we had been speechless, mesmerized by creation, in awe of the One who spoke all this into being…
It was my birthday, so as I sat there gazing out that window, I was fairly reflective and found myself pondering the years and the journey. I think it’s safe to say my life looks nothing like what I expected or wanted when I was growing up! I expected I’d be living in the States, for one thing – preferably in my home town. I’d be married. I’d have 4 children – 2 boys, 2 girls. I’d have a husband whose job could support us financially so that I’d be free to be a very active volunteer in a church or para-church ministry. I’d be the kind of mom who could go on field trips with my kids and take them camping in the summer. I had it all planned out. No input needed.
And yet, the Lord had input for me. “In her heart, a woman plans her course, but the Lord determines her steps…” and as the Lord has determined my steps over the years, he has taken me far and wide, to places and peoples that have held a kind of beauty and love I wouldn’t have known to ask for and never could have imagined. It has been the deepest privilege to taste, even to a small degree, the love of God for women and men and children in the hidden corners of the earth. To be called friend, sister, daughter by so many, in so many languages, from so many hearts. It is nothing I dreamed about when I was younger. It is humbling and rich and full of life.
But it is not without pain and heartache. I am not married. I do not have children. There’s no one place I can really call my own home. The constant uprooting. The loneliness. The missed moments in the lives of family and friends. The cost, although temporary, sometimes feels very high.
As a single woman, it’s understandable to the world that I struggle with the desire for companionship; it’s something people ask about, talk about, pray about… It’s expected. I have spent a lot of time thinking and praying about it myself over the years. A LOT of time. But the fact that being single also means probably not being a mother is not something very talked about. I have only recently begun to mourn the fact that I will likely never bear my own children. Is it impossible? No. Not yet. But nor is it very likely. While there’s an underlying peace that Jesus will remain near and be enough, there is also a throbbing ache deep inside.
All this was going through my mind as I stared out the window of that van, surrounded by creation and those rowdy strangers. I said to the Lord, silently, “Lord, it feels like so many people around me right now are experiencing great miracles. It feels like dreams are being fulfilled and hopes are being realized… why is it not that way for me?” It was an incredibly intimate conversation in a less than intimate setting. I didn’t plan for it – it just kind of came spilling out. And although I have substantial capacity for whining, I wasn’t whining as I said it. I wasn’t even complaining, I don’t think. I was just asking. A daughter with her dad, simply wanting to understand.
He spoke immediately. Suddenly. If I’m honest, I have to admit that I didn’t expect it, I didn’t expect the still, small voice. Not because I thought he didn’t hear or didn’t care – I knew that he did. I know that he does. Maybe I didn’t expect it because so many of my “why” questions go unanswered or because his timing is often so very different than my own. Or maybe just because I was sitting in a crowded van searching for leopards in the middle of the African plains. Whatever the reason, I didn’t expect it. But there it was. So soft. So tender. So recognizable. “Katie, all the riches of my love are yours.” His Presence was unmistakable and almost tangible in its nearness. And then the Spirit echoed in my heart the words spoken to the prodigal’s older brother: “You are always with me. And everything I have is yours.” I didn’t hear an accusation. I didn’t sense a hidden message. He didn’t say, “Why can’t you be happy with what you have? Why can’t you celebrate for your brothers and sisters?” He simply whispered his love for me to the place in my heart that most needed to hear it again.
He didn’t really answer my “why.” I didn’t even realize it until later. He let my “why” sit there. But seated next to a deeper revelation of his heart and his love for me, the weight of the “why” was swallowed up. This God who was, at that very moment, giving permission for the lightning bolts to strike in the distance, this God who caused the beasts and the birds to multiply all around us, this God who breathed life into me that same morning, had once again met me right in the middle of my humanness just to tell me that he loved me. And no “why” could survive such a visitation.
This is what it looks like to journey on, doesn’t it? Walking the path before us. Marveling. Worshiping. Aching. Wondering. Asking “why.” Waiting and trusting and falling and being lifted up. Catching glimpses, day by day, of a love that gives life in the most unexpected ways. At least that’s what it looks like for me… And I am forever grateful.
Katie Toop grew up in the Seattle area but has been living overseas for most of the last 13 years. Compelled by God’s heart of relentless love for the poor and oppressed, her passion and commitment is to demonstrate compassion and promote justice wherever the Lord may lead. Katie studied Water and Environmental Management in the UK before getting involved in relief and development work, first in Sri Lanka and then in Central Asia. Currently, she serves in east Africa with World Concern, offering training and support to teams in Kenya, South Sudan, Chad and Somaliland. https://donate.worldconcern.org/katie
For Reflection and Conversation: Have there been seasons and times in your life when you wondered if God heard your heart’s cry? How have you wrestled with the outcomes of your life?
Please see below to share this article, and also please scroll down to comment. Katie would love to hear from you. She’ll be on the blog today and tomorrow and would love to engage in conversation.
Katie,
Yes, the weight of the why. I understand. I love how God bypassed your why and gave you his love. It’s beautiful. And, it would be just what one needs in order to move on with a changed heart/different perspective. Thank you for sharing this incredible intimate exchange with your Jesus, Katie.
I have a similar exchange. Let’s just say – we have a song. And, I believe that Jesus is the maestro of each of his single daughter’s fairy tales. Better, even. He is ever present and our source of hope!
Love, Rachael
Hi Rachael,
Yes, I know you understand. Even that reminder is a gift in itself, to remember we’re not alone in our “why” questions and our wonderings. I love the idea of the song… each one unique, carefully composed, masterfully directed. Indeed he is our hope!
Much love to you!
Katie
Oh Katie, it took me a long time to read your post because my eyes were so full the words were blurry. Thank you for sharing. Love you and praying for you always.
Thank you so much, Esther. You have prayed so faithfully for so many years. The richness of knowing Him in community has manifested itself in my life through your words of encouragement and tears of compassion countless times. And your willingness to journey alongside no matter what the season has been a true gift. Much love to you.
Love you Katie (this is Katie (Voigt) Jones and I miss you! Thanks for sharing your heart and I love our brief moments together when you are here. Your words are encouraging and helpful to me as I journey through my own whys and grieving walking away from a community that was only an illusion of truth and friendship. And what that means for myself, my family and my faith. Miss you dear friend and grateful for glimpses of your work, life and heart
Oh, my dear fellow Katie… I, too, love our brief moments together and only wish they weren’t always quite so brief! I’m sorry to know you’re in a time of grieving… I pray you will encounter the One who is acquainted with grief in the midst of your whys. And that, whether he answers the why or not, you will taste afresh his goodness and his undying love for you and your family. You are a treasure, my friend. Sending you so much love and a big hug today.
Katherine, I love you so!
You faithfully continue to give away the best of your life in order to show the love of your Father to those who have such dire need to know His love for them.
While it is not the same and cannot replace having your own family, you are considered family and loved by people groups all over the world.
Thank you for always being an example of what it looks like to lean into and travel the path put before you, despite the great coast, because of the Great Love.
Cindy,
The steadfastness of your love and friendship has played such an important role in freeing me to travel far and wide while helping me feel rooted. Thank you for being willing to walk through life – the muck and the mess and the beauty – despite the distance and time that often separates us. I love you dearly!
Opening this was to see a beautiful gift laid on the doorstep of my heart, Katie. Thank you for sharing with such vivid description a truth so overwhelming yet so tender it scoops up the broken pieces and wraps them gently to mend. His voice, His voice…oh the pleasure of His whispered voice in the empty places of our heart.
You always point us to the Healer. Please write more, my friend!
And thank you, Tina!!
So wonderful to hear from you, Colleen! Thank you. The truth of his enduring love does indeed scoop up the broken pieces… And there is nothing like the healing balm of his voice. Thank you for the ways you share that truth wherever you go. Your ever-increasing passion to know him and make him known is beautiful. Love to you today.
Katie,
I could not read your blog without tears! Thank you for being so transparent about the struglles with singleness! His Love never ceases to amaze me,too, in the midst of deep ache, fear, doubt! He comes and speaks and washes over! All is changed. Suddenly, we have the stregnth to do what He calls us to do and courage to move forward!
Waiting! Yes, waiting! still waiting!
I know, though I’ve waited long,
That, while He withholds His purpose,
His waiting cannot be wrong.
Waiting! Yes, waiting! still waiting!
The Master will not be late:
He knoweth that I am waiting
For Him to unlatch the gate.
Love you so much,
Tach
My dear Tach,
We’ve journeyed this path together for a while, haven’t we? Your example of faith and courage and honesty and trust have inspired me more than you know. Equally so your willingness to struggle and be weak. I love that “His waiting cannot be wrong.” He does what he does and allows what he allows – and the mystery contained in all of that – out of radical, unfailing love for us. I can’t fathom it… but what grace when it washes over us, as you said.
I love you, too, my friend.
Always,
Katie
Dearest Katie,
Thank you for sharing so fully & candidly what is on your heart. I have personally been wrestling with many of these same issues. Knowing we are not alone in this, and knowing that He sees the pain is a gift to return to over and over again.
I miss you so much!
Gwen,
There is something so powerful in not being alone, in being seen and known, isn’t there? It’s so firmly at the core of us, the desire to know and be known. And yes, to discover over and over again that Jesus tastes and sees and knows and understands and is near is surely a gift every time.
I miss you, too! I hope to see you when I’m next home!
Much love,
Katie
Oh Katie. Thank you. The “why?” doesn’t always look the same, but its there nonetheless, and I needed these words desperately. I thought what I wanted was in my grasp, and I had to let it go. Then instead of being free to pursue it again, God has said “no, this instead for now”. And rather than trusting, I keep trying to bargain and manipulate. God I will do that, but I’m going to make this happen too. But I know that both isn’t good or right. It actually would be a horrible thing for both. And both can’t possibly happen without Him orchestrating it, so me trying is so futile. To have “not now” in my face as I see others experience what I wanted, to see time slipping by, with “not now” as my answer, I needed to remember his love. I needed those words that he spoke to you, and as I read them I knew in my heart those words were being spoken to me too. Thank you for sharing them.
Melissa,
So true, the whys all look a bit different… but they are there. I, too, have great capacity to bargain and manipulate! But what grace each time he gently guides and guards and protects despite our best efforts to take control! And how completely it changes everything when he speaks that all-consuming love again. I am grateful he spoke that to you.
Thank you so much, Katie, for your transparency on your journey. My whys don’t seem to be answered either – but God whispers His deep love in suffering, and I truly appreciate you having the words to get this truth down so, so beautifully. Thank you for this gift today.
Marcia,
Yes and amen… he whispers His deep love in suffering. Lean in close today and I know you’ll hear it again.
Much love to you, my friend.
Hello again Katie,
You may ask why I start that weird way. It is because we knew one another a long time ago. My husband and I went to your church and served in ministry there and we knew you, and your family. (Northshore-1985-1998). You sang and danced in our kids’ program. Delightfully. This post is beautifully written and echoes the ache in many hearts that lives there for different reasons. Thank you for not providing pat answers with no real meaning. Thank you for sharing your heart. Our second daughter is serving with the Peace Corps in Jinja, Uganda right now, teaching and promoting literacy. Would love to hook the two of you up. (I know not everything in Africa is right around the corner from everything else, but you never know, right?) She has a blog that you can read, if you are so inclined. https://loveandliteracyblog.wordpress.com/2016/06/03/washed-by-the-water/
Look her up, I know she would love to share experiences.
all the best, Teresa (Baldwin)
Hi Teresa,
How fun to hear from you! After such a long, long time! Thank you for reading and understanding… the ache in the heart rarely has any kind of pat answer. Thank you, too, for the link to your daughter’s blog. She’s a beautiful writer! You never know, our paths just may cross. I’ve learned not to be surprised when that happens anymore!
Much grace and peace to you today, Teresa!
Words cannot express. I too have known this road well and then without even seeing it, He changed my life forever with all those K’s I now have. 🙂 What a gift to have the King of the Universe enter into what looked to the human eye like a dry land but then the eyes of your heart took over to see Him, to hear Him, to be filled and refreshed in the desert. That’s the amazing God we love and are loved by isn’t it? You are so precious and loved. Could this maybe be a song title “The Weight of the Why” – just sayin’ I love you so.
My dear friend… yes, you have known this road well. You, too, have allowed him to refresh you in the desert, whatever desert it may be. He is kind beyond all measure. And yes, perhaps we’ve got ourselves a song title! 🙂 I love you, too. Squeezes to all those K’s!
Katie –
Another Katie. Another unexpected journey. But the same overwhelming love and redemption by a God who knows us both by name and by the stories He has sovereignly allowed to be told by our very lives. Not what I would have planned, chosen or imagined possible…yet knowing full well that He is in control. I’ve often said I never asked the “Why” questions…but perhaps a better explanation is that Jesus has carried the weight of the whys for me. And I would choose His presence and His voice over the answer to those why questions, any day!
Blessings, Sister.
Katie Gallaher-Goldsmith
Katie,
There’s always room for another Katie! Thank you for sharing. How beautifully and profoundly stated – “Jesus has carried the weight of the whys for me.” Amen. Freedom from the weight of the whys is part of the abundance of life, I think. And I agree, I would choose His presence every time!
Bless you too, fellow Katie 🙂
Dearest Katie,
Thank you for sharing your heart….all of it: the pain, the joy, the questions, the learning of contentment, and the beautiful reminder of our great God’s precious love and care for his children. We belong to him, and no one can snatch us from his hand. How wonderful it is that we can pour out our hearts before him, that he hears us, and he works in our lives for his name’s sake. So often we don’t have the answers to the “whys”, but we know we can trust him, we know the One in whom we have believed. And he is good.
I will continue to uphold you in prayer, Katie, you hold such a precious place in my heart.
“Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.” Eph. 3:20,21
Much, much love to you, always,
Jaime E.
Jaime,
What a blessing to hear from you! Thank you for reading and responding and caring so deeply for so long.
He is good. He is so good. I feel like I’m learning so many new things about what goodness really is. How small and temporary my idea of good tends to be. He’s busting that open…
Thank you for praying. So much love to you, too. And greetings to the whole family.
Always,
Katie
My sweet Katie,
What a very wonderful gift the Lord gave you on your birthday. My heart is full of love for you right now and I’m wishing I could wrap my arms around you.
~Nanette
Nanette, my friend! I would take that squeeze! 🙂
It was indeed a precious gift.
I love you a lot! My love to the family, too…
Beautifully written, beautifully stated! A “God picture” that will wring very true for others!
Thank you, Steve. So grateful we journey together!
Katie,
A deep, thoughtful message of what true and honest faith is. I thank you for sharing it, and I am going to use it in my men’s group. We are going through a wonderful book by Ian Thomas, The Indwelling Life of Christ. This is my third time through it and I absolutely love his message of what true faith and discipleship is: making Christ Lord of our lives and giving him permission for his Spirit to live through us and rule our hearts, minds, thoughts, words, and actions, without exception. We had a discussion on faith last night, and my words, not Thomas’ are: faith is obedience in action.
You are a beautiful example of that and I thank you and glorify God for what he does through you.
We miss you and look forward to the day when we are all together again and we’ll get to hear your beautiful voice and words praising our God in worship.
Love and prayers,
Paul
Paul,
It is so good to hear from you. I miss the days of working in the same building! Thank you for your comment. I think about those two powerful words… “without exception.” How desperately I try to make room for exceptions sometimes! As if I really do believe I could put it all together better than he can.
Thank you both for exemplifying obedience in action. And for doing it with so much generosity and joy. It will be sweet to worship together again when the Lord allows. In the meantime, you bless deeply from afar. Thank you.
With love,
Katie
Dear Katie, As others have commented, your sharing brings lots of emotion to the surface. Wish I knew how to be there with a hug and a smile for you when you have those “Why?” moments. But I can’t be. It helps to know that Jesus can be. I can relate so much to your predicament – loving the present and all the opportunities God has given you to serve Him, share His grace, and worship Him in all the places you have gone. But at the same time wondering about the broken dreams. I have some of the same issues. I look at my bookshelves full of books that I was supposed to be reading to my dozen or more grandchildren. Hasn’t happened yet, though there has been a little progress. I was supposed to be married to the father of my children. That changed, and there is no turning back. I look at the damage I caused in my pre-Jesus years and realize the truth of Jesus’ words for anyone who causes a little one to sin, it will be like a millstone around their necks. “Yup,” I can say, “That about sums it up.” Yet in those moments, I have to stop and ask myself, “Can I praise God, no matter what?” and again, out comes the “Yup.” And I do. And the grief passes. I have had to come to terms with realizing that this little mini-drama is going to repeat itself over and over again in my life, but God will never leave me without his resourceful spirit. I will pray for your future to be better than you can imagine, but I will also pray that no matter what, God will continue to carry you through. With all my love, Susie (Tucker) Boer
Dear Susie,
Your honesty and willingness to be real and raw have blessed me for many years and challenged me to dare to be real, too. Thank you for that. What great hope we have to know, as you said, God will never leave us. Indeed, he will carry us. Your journey of faith through seasons of loss and fear and doubt and grief and joy and freedom is testament to that fact. And what a beautiful testament it is. Thank you, Susie.
So much love,
Katie
Thank you for sharing Katie. Indeed, so much of it resonates with my own personal story. I am grateful- for His kindness, His deep love, and for the journey. Take care and know you are loved by many.
Thank you, Sue. You listen and love so well. I really treasure you.
Dear Katie,
You have been faithful to preach good news to the poor, to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives, and proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor. And can you imagine that because of that, you have not just 2 boys and 2 girls, you have thousands upon thousands of children whose lives are healthier, eternal, and filled with smiles because of your love for them! Wow! You are a beacon of light in the darkness and we are so blessed to share this journey together.
Pat,
Oh, to see every tribe and tongue and nation around the throne… I know it is the cry of your own heart, too. And you’ve been so faithful. I am blessed to have been so well loved by you and your family for such a long time. Thank you…
With lots of love,
Katie
HI Katie,
Thank you for the reminder that, no matter our “why”, it is swallowed up in His love.
This morning I was grieving missing my family, who all live so far away from where I live, and I read Matt 19:29 “And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother OR CHILDREN or fields for My sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life.” And yesterday: Job 26:14 “Indeed, these are the mere edges of His ways, and how small a whisper we hear of Him!”
His promises comfort until we realize the depth of their truth in His presence.
your sister, Kelly
(Tina, thanks for giving Katie this venue)
Kelly,
Lovely to hear from you. “…how small a whisper we hear of Him.” Amen. Imagine what it will be like when we’re face to face, when we know fully and are fully known. What we realize with our whole being the depth of the truth of His promises in His presence.
Thank you for sharing your own heart, Kelly. Much love to you today, dear sister. And greetings to the whole family.
Katie
Dear Katie…just left you a long message, that somehow got deleted….I’ll try again. I use to work with your Mom at Lakevue Gardens in Kirkland, so I remember you as a young child. Your writings were written from your heart, and are wonderful to read. It’s no surprise to me, coming from the family you came from, that you have devoted your life to missions….what wonders you have seen and done. Your longing for a family of your own is one I shared as well. I didn’t marry until one month shy of my 43rd birthday, and what blessings God had in store for me….28 years of marriage, 3 stepdaughters I love and admire, 7 grandchildren, and 2 great grandchildren. The word, grandma, melts your heart whether it is a blood relation, or not! God already has chosen your family, and I’m sure it will be amazing…..so, just continue the beautiful path you have chosen, and let God surprise you with the rest.. Love and blessings
Dear Helen, Thank you so much for writing. I, of course, remember you from Mom’s Lakevue days and am glad you found your way here to the blog. Thank you for sharing some of your own story. The Lord does indeed surprise at every turn! How sweet to hear how he did that for you along the way! Thank you for the encouragement. May those surprises continue!
Dear Katie,
This is Sarah Olson. We went to Bethel together. No worries if you don’t remember me!
I don’t know if you’ll still see this or not. I stumbled across your article – I think someone had posted the link on Facebook. To say that you spoke what is on and in my heart would be an understatement. I can relate to you in so many ways on so many things and on so many levels. Especially the part about children. I understand that ache. My life since college has looked anything but what I had expected and planned on. It is so easy to dwell and get stuck on the “whys.” I have watched so many of my friends be blessed in the ways that I am longing for. And even now I am currently in a situation that I never expected to be in. I simultaneously have great fear and great hope. But I have also come to realize that God has blessed me so much in so many ways with the “unexpected” life I am living. I know deep down that he knows I have needed the challenges and circumstances he has set before me to help me grow and hopefully and ultimately become more of the person he created me to be. Thank you for your honest words and sharing your heart. You have no idea what a blessing and perfect timing it was for me.
Sarah
Sarah,
It’s such a blessing to hear from you after all these years! Funny how the worlds eventually collide… I’m glad you were able to find your way to the blog and grateful that some of my story resonated with your own. Yes, it’s easy to get stuck in the why. But oh so freeing when he lifts our eyes to something more, to more of him. I pray you will know his nearness in your own ache, too, and that his gentle whisper will echo in the deep places.
Thank you so much for writing. May you know much grace and peace today.
Katie
Loved reading this Katie!
Love you!!
Mark… you are ever the encourager! Thank you.
Saw your friend Alex this morning.
My love to the whole family!