It was brought to my attention over the last couple of weeks that my daughter has been encountering the infamous academic caste system we all love so much. Exclusion from, or inclusion into a small group of people. The criteria for “getting” into these cliques is absolutely subjective – based on looks, clothing, boys who like you, the right talent, and other various factors. She’s been hanging in the balance of social status, wondering if by some chance, the gods of popularity will grant her aid and lift the veil of approval, granting her entry.
I want to tear my hair out. Or scream from the rafters.
These things are nothing new. Cliques and groups and popularity are as old as time, or at least as old as three women in a squabble. There’s always a tendency for the third wheel syndrome when you put more than two girls together. And in sixth grade, girls still haven’t learned how much we need each other. Truth is, if we don’t belong to each other, who in the world do we belong to? We can’t afford to exclude one another. Life it too hard. We need to stick together.
The same thing happened to me in the sixth grade and again in the seventh grade. And the same thing has happened at various points of my grown-up life. I learned early on that takers take but real friends love back. Sometimes it’s hard to find real friends. But they’re out there. Maybe they’re hiding in the corners, skittish from too many hits, but if you keep your eyes out, and your heart open, you’ll find your kindred spirits, fellow sojourners on the way …
When it’s your daughter, it makes it so much harder. There’s very little a mom can do when these inevitable things happen to our kids. We can’t legislate kindness or morality. We can’t mandate love. Love and kindness come from the heart and the heart is the most private place in a person. But when we hold out our hearts, even at the risk of being hurt, we open ourselves up to life and love and eventually to hope. After all, hope springs eternal.
As a mama, I may not be able to kiss it and make this all go away, but I can bring my child close and whisper in her ear, “You belong with me. And you come from a long line of strong and courageous women who’ve held their own all over the world.”
I tell my daughter … that her ultimate reality is not the 6th grade. The sum of her totality is not the acceptance or lack thereof of a few friends. The sum of her parts are deep and wide. Her value will never be determined by a few friends who have known her for a handful of months. She is adored and loved by aunts and uncles, by grandparents and cousins and by people from all over the globe. She has a great host of fans and supporters who think she’s amazing and love her just because she was born.
I tell my daughter… over and over that life is not about belonging to a particular clique of peers who deem you acceptable and therefore worthy of their friendship. Life is about becoming a friend and discovering companions along the way who touch our hearts and who see us for who we are, who make us feel less alone. Life is about generous love instead of meager taking. When our hearts ache for acceptance, if we make an effort to give acceptance to someone else, when we stretch out our hand instead of holding clenched fists, our loneliness ebbs out as with the tide.
I tell I my daughter… that she’s part of a great big tribe: A tribe of women who have gone before her, women she’s related to, women I’m friends with, women who surround her and who affirm her. She’s not alone. She belongs with us. We are women, strong and resilient. We are beautiful. And we include.
To your daughter:
Be kind & be brave, dear one. This is such a difficult experience, but it is all a part of the amazing woman you are becoming. I believe in you & I know you are already amazing.
That’s right!
xoxo
Thank you. I will repost this. I’m not sure any of us have not dealt with this in our lives. Too often and too many times have we had to work those ‘feeling’ that are not true out of our minds and hearts. I wish it were a simple, short process. I hate the pain of a mommas heart as we watch this happen to our girls. I hate the pain of insecurity, unacceptance. Feelings that are real yet unfounded and we that cannot fix. We guide, pray and long for that one friend to come and fill their heart.
I am so glad you write about this stuff of life that we all go through yet cannot put words to.
Hey, if you want a getaway for you and the kids, I can let you know a weekend when we are gone. It’s not big but it’s comfortable and the world outside it is really big.
Again, thank you.
Susie,
Thank you! And yes, we’ve all gone through this and somehow learn from it, don’t we? Your words are so encouraging.
I would love a getaway for me and the kids! That would be so fun.
xoxo
T
When I turned 13, I actually prayed that God would never let me forget what it was like to be a middle schooler, really! And He has been true to remind me. Your words reminded me of all those emotions and how truly scary and alone I felt and that your words of truth to your daughter are incredible and good. Thank you for writing them.
Love you!
xoxo
T
Amen Sister! Women are the competition of the enemy.
I stand with you as you speak beautiful words of truth and love to your daughter and every gal out there.
Amen! The competition of the enemy … nice!
Much Love to you,
Tina
These growing pains for Mom and kids are great tests that produce perseverance and maturity for further challenges in jr. high and high school. There, the stakes are higher and the drama more intense. Our kids become more independent and rely less on us and more on … what/who? Hopefully their firm foundation in Christ … but maybe not. It’s a roller coaster nothing could have prepared me for but I cling to my Mom’s in Touch groups and making space for my kids in awkward ways … like staying up until the wee hours of the morning to greet them and hear their stories…it’s about being available and listening when they want to talk. You are creating a wonderful foundation with your kids right now so keep it up and continue to treasure those small moments with them, depositing gems of faith and truth!
-Liana
You’re so right about the stakes being higher in junior high and high school! We pray for grace …
Thank you for writing!
Much Love to you,
Tina
Mean girls will always be with us and their sharp tongues won’t become dulled until the pain that lives deep inside them starts to fade away. It’s hardest to watch when the recipient of the meaness is a girl who is already has problems like anorexia, obesity, health issues, obvious poverty or other things that send girls toward depression. Unfortunately human kindness can’t be mandated. Thanks for speaking up, Tina.
The pain that lives in them starts to fade away … that is such a powerful statement. And so true. Human kindness can’t be mandated … if only!
Thanks for commenting. It’s really nice to hear from you.
xoxo
Tina
Thank you for sharing your and her story. It is so incredibly timely as we are in quite the same place with our daughter, and for myself, as a new parent at a new school. It can be a very lonely place and a trying time.
Being a new parent in a new school can be incredibly lonely. For me, it’s hard to know who to trust and who is like-minded. It’s so good to hear from you.
xoxo
Tina
Oh sweet Emma! Your mother is absolutely right. You come from a very long line of strong women! You will absolutely prevail!
All girls from our family prevail! Here’s to strong women who love their daughters!
xoxo
Amen sister! I just spoke those very words to Silas not 2 days ago. And like Sharla, I also prayed that the Lord would take away all the painful memories of 6th and 7th grade. I’m very thankful He brought those few friends to my life that made it more barable. I stand with you and Emma as she navigates herself through these trivial years. She is strong and she is loved.
Our kids are strong and so deeply loved! You tell Silas I’m so proud of him.
xoxo
Tina, I love your writing. You have a wonderful way with speaking the truth in love. Girls can be so mean, mainly in Junior High School, sometimes in High School. When they get older they realize what life is all about. Life is about caring for others as you would want them to care about you, no matter who or what. God loves us all, each the same, no matter who we are.
I care about you, Tina, and am praying for your daughter & her friends . Love you, Jo Ann
Thank you, Jo Ann! What a kind note. So good to hear from you. And yes, life is about caring for others.
xoxo
Tina