Since we moved onto our land, I’ve been thinking a lot about one’s sense of place. The sense of belonging a person has to specific portion of land, to a city, a country. Place and setting are important for writers – in some cases setting almost takes on a personality. As a reader, this is also true. Prince Edward Island is forever Anne’s island. I hear the name and immediately think of Anne of Green Gables and all the wonderful adventures she had there. Anne’s place is almost as real as my own hand in front of me. The feeling I had when I read those books – of belonging, of home, of someone finding their home has stayed with me.
I’ve been to many places in my life. My feet have trekked through more streets than I know how to process. My head has rested on many pillows over the years.
Over time, the place where we are, where we live shapes us – shapes our personalities, our mannerisms, our way of interacting with strangers, even how we deal with foreigners. It’s interesting to me how many times I am asked what my reason is for being here in Chile, specifically in Temuco. I have to explain that I’m not on a visit – that I live here. And then I’m asked to explain why. After I tell whomever is inquiring that my husband is from Chile, they usually have a more tolerant grasp of my reason for being in their city. And the question that always comes next is … whether I have adapted to this place. They want to know if I’ve adjusted. They almost always have a wary look on their face when they ask, as if they’re not sure they want to hear the answer.
Truth is, I’m not sure how to answer their question. There are things I like about living here, people I’m fond of, perhaps even a few whom I’ve grown to love. I’ve settled into a routine, a way of being, and I’ve learned some of the undercurrents of the culture that help me orient myself around their particular slant on truth. But I feel foreign. I feel different. I notice that I’m looked at when I walk into a store, or an event – especially when people hear us talk in English. We get stared at, sideways glances. My children notice.
Despite feeling foreign, I don’t feel out of place. And I think it’s important to distinguish between the two. I feel secure about where my feet are standing. However, I’m discovering that this stems from something more internal in me, rather than because of external realities. I’ve come to terms with my foreigness, with my otherness here. And somehow I’ve made my peace with it. That is not to say I intend to stay here forever … or that we feel at home here. Those are different questions. With different answers.
Something happened over the weekend to this place, to this city. Something tragic. Saturday afternoon, the police found the body of a young American woman brutally murdered. Erica Faith Hagan. She came for a five month visit to help students with their English. From Kentucky. She was killed in a small apartment on the school campus where my children went to school and where they do all their extracurricular activities. She was twenty-two years old.
For Erica’s family and for her friends, Temuco Chile will now be a place of terrible loss. Always.
The school where she was murdered will be altered forever. Blood was spilled. Violence and cruelty and a terrible injustice occurred on their soil.
Personally, I can’t help but feel a specific and poignant pain for her parents. I too have a beautiful daughter. A daughter who may want to travel one day, who may want to go to a foreign place to help people with their English. We send our children to new places believing, hoping, praying they will be safe. We send them to specific places known for their safety, or we weigh the cost when they choose to go to a place known for danger. Many parents say no to certain places. Temuco Chile has been relatively safe. However, her life was snuffed out, it was crushed here. There is nothing that can make this better.
Erica Hagan was from my place, from my homeland. We spoke the same language growing up and she died in the place where I currently reside. The same city. These things, though not significant, certainly helped me feel her parents’ pain and horror in a different way. Perhaps, in a closer way. I don’t know.
I went to bed on Saturday night with deep sorrow and a grave sense of horror – fighting back the tears. I woke with the same pain.
If I were in Seattle, Kentucky would feel far away. Here in Temuco, Kentucky feels close to home.
The disorientation her family must feel breaks me. To die far from home is one thing, to be killed far from home is another. And on the campus of a private Christian school makes it far more disorienting.
I am an American woman living far from the place I call home. And this story weighs on me.
To Erica’s family and friends, I offer my deepest condolences. I am so sorry for your loss.
Much Love,
Tina
Thank you for this. My son was friends with Erica. They both attended Georgetown College & just last spring they were together having a great party in Gatlinburg TN. It’s just devastating. And we can’t get any information. We get conflicting reports & each wrong report is like a dagger to the heart. We are trying to find a way to cope & your beautiful words help. May God bless you mightily for your overwhelming kindness.
Thank you for responding and commenting. I will try to find a way to communicate information somehow. They are investigating.
The newspaper today said that it appears not to have been forced entry, which would mean that she knew the person. This is what I heard this morning. I will make a call and try to get something current.
Much Love,
Tina
I am from Kentucky, knew Erica and have been to Temuco and the Colegio myself. I just can’t wrap my head around this. Thank you for these well-written words. They convey much of my feelings, as well. I feel for the family of Erica first and foremost, but I also think about my friends who work at and attend the Colegio who also had innocence taken from them. I’m just so sad. Erica was such a treasure.
Paz, thank you for responding. Yes, it is a terrible tragedy that will have long-term ramifications. The newspaper said today that they have three suspects. We hope the person who did this is found quickly. Tonight, we are going to attend the memorial service the school has organized.
Much Love to you as you grieve,
Tina
Tina, I met my husband because a woman was murdered. Her sister was my close friend; I met him the night before the funeral after the wake. I know intimately the horror, the grief, the shock, the waves of disbelief and then shattered faith in God that roll through even the saints as the earthquake reverberates through immediate family, then other relatives and scores of friends and acquaintances. Erica’s life was and is important. Trite observations about God’s ultimate plans surrounding life and death are meaningless at the time of the murder. But Erica’s eternal significance will grow in the minds and hearts of those who loved her. The demented person who caused her death is, in some sense, a part of us, too. It took me more than 30 years to understand the insanity of Maddy’s killer: the mother of a little girl we consider ours as well. That’s a story only begun in Dick’s account of our meeting and marriage: The Turning Year. Through Maddy’s death, he came to Jesus. Maddy’s mother founded an organization for bereaved parents that has grown to a major agency in this province. Her acceptance of me was only possible through God’s Grace. I don’t believe God wants people to be murdered. But God can redeem anything, everything. Let Him.
You have such wisdom to offer for every circumstance. I’m amazed by it. Thank you for the reminder that God is able to redeem all things.
I often think of the trees that will have healing in their leaves … For the nations.
Much Love,
Tina
What a terrible tragedy.
I have lived in a foreign land, and I know some of the feelings, but I have never lived abroad permanently, so I don’t know what that’s like.
Except that maybe I do, after all. We are in the world but not of it.
As a writer, you have trained yourself to put yourself in other people’s lives and try to understand.
Thank you for staying connected.
Much Love,
Tina
Dear Tina, I myself have lived in a foreign country. I am a Kentucky native, and I have returned to live in the beautiful State. I lived in Germany for two years where I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. NowI hear that young man has aspirations of traveling abroad to study and serve just as Erica did. So, obviously I have apprehensions. But, yet, there is more to my situation…Erica Faith Hagan is my niece…and I am her “Aunt Charlie.” Erica was raised here in Murray, Kentucky in the home of her mother. I was an active member of her family. I remember birthday parties hosted by me at my house for her, overnight visits, and horseback riding between just Erica and I. I will forever cherish those memories. Erica was taken from us, but those memories are mine forever. Your warm words brought tears to my eyes. I have never questioned the concern of the Chilean people for my niece. I believe the kind people of the country truly seek honest justice, as I do. I am sure by now you have read Erica’s blog which she contributed to last on the day of her murder. She was an educated, intelligent, and articulate writer. I feel she is first recognized for her beauty and grace. She was quite photogenic. But, Erica was also educated, talented, and kind-hearted. She was compassionate and caring. We all miss her dearly. Thank you so much for finding it in your heart to write such a lovely testimony to the impression her life and death had on you. God Bless You.