A week ago, I was on SheLoves magazine where I wrote about slowing down over the summer. I’ve been reflecting on the gift of seasons. On times set aside to pause, to savor life, to reflect on the goodness all around. Summer is that way for me. It’s the season when I don’t have as much on the schedule. Days are longer and hotter. I spend time watering flower baskets and lying out in the sun as my kids swim. There seems to be more time to listen to my heart. To journal.
If you were to pause and listen to your own heart, what would your heart say?
I woke early this morning, unable to sleep. I’m going to pick the kids up in a while. They’ve been gone all weekend and I’ve missed them like someone misses their own shadow. I’m excited to sit with them and listen to all the fun things they did, all the adventures they had while away from me … which upon reflection is becoming more commonplace. My little kids are growing up and are beginning to have worlds outside of my world now.
Oh to hold back time… to make this life stand still, to pause at the crossroads and savor them all the more.
When my children were young, I longed for the days when they would sleep through the night. I ached for the years when they would be big enough for sleepovers and long conversations over the dinner table. This morning I’m filled with nostalgia, overwhelmed with a quiet ache to go backwards and enjoy the simplicity of preschool, of Dora the Explorer, and trips to the Science Center.
After I moved to Chile, I fell into a pretty deep depression and could hardly function. I let my kids watch too much television and tend to their own needs far too often. I just couldn’t pull myself together. Life was far too overwhelming. My heart was broken and I needed time to heal. It’s hard to focus on other people’s needs when we’re lost in our own sea of pain. As a result, I missed special moments with my kids because I was trying to make it through a huge transition.
And yet, I was still there. Present. Praying for them. Trying to be their mom. I would get up and make them a little snack every morning before school and talk to them about their day when they got home. Yes, I missed things. But I didn’t miss everything. When I reflect on that season, it’s easy to get overwhelmed in how much I wish I’d done it better. But I can’t treat my depressed self with the same standard I treat my high-functioning self. I gave what I had … which wasn’t all that much. But God’s grace is in that, too.
Part of why many of us don’t want to pause, is because we’re afraid to get alone with ourselves. What will surface if I listen to my heart?
The natural response for many of us is to only look at our failures and make promises to do better. To look at the places where we wish we’d made better choices and get stuck in regret. It’s easy for me to lose myself in the would have, should have, could have’s. Because we don’t always have the energy to look at our failures, many of us choose to keep moving.
But is the unexamined life worth living? I don’t think so. We honestly do need seasons where we listen and grapple with our failures, with our achievements, and wrestle with what-the-hell-just-happened moments. I have a dear friend who is just getting out of chemo and I can’t imagine what it’s like to look back on that season and try to figure out what it was all about. Maybe she can’t. Maybe she can only look and shake her head in wonder, thankful she’s still here.
Perhaps, we could choose another way to begin. This summer, instead of pausing to reflect on the moments when we did wrong, or disappointed ourselves, perhaps we should begin by reflecting on the moments when we were most surprised by joy this past season. Moments when we saw grace come to fruition. Moments when we can see the kindness of God and the goodness of God come to rest on our heads. And say a quiet thank you.
It’s not that I don’t think we should examine our hearts and take responsibility. It’s that if you’re at all like me, it’s a whole lot easier to get lost in the guilt than it is to be overwhelmed by the grace.
This year, after Emma prayed and prayed, my dad found a horse for her to ride. This was God’s grace. Lucas got a full scholarship to play Lacrosse, something I could never have afforded. I met John and found a dear, kind companion. An agent read my latest manuscript and gave me incredible feedback and some tender praise. My sister and her family visited from Australia. Friends invited me to live with them and we had a blast learning to ebb and flow in the glory of community, in learning to love with open hearts and drink good wine. This year, I found my courage. Something I’d lost along the way trying to be good and please everyone. I also rediscovered the goodness of God in the middle of sad things and am finding creative ways to trust Him again.
I have so many things to be in awe over … my heart wants to tell me many things. I want to take the time to listen. I need to hear my own self tell me where it sees grace, where there’s growth and change, where hope is beginning to spring up.
For Reflection: Where do you see God’s grace come to fruition in your life?
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Thank you Tina, Your writing resonates with my heart and soul. God Bless you.
“…it’s a whole lot easier to get lost in the guilt than it is to be overwhelmed by the grace.”
Thank you, Bonnie. God bless you, too!
xox