Hey there darling girl,
It’s me, an older version of you. A much curvier, softened version of you. Gravity at its finest. I’ve been thinking about you these past few days. You lost your job at the church, a job you loved. You’re ashamed and afraid, wondering if you are enough.
You’ve also got a beautiful little baby girl who is changing your life inside and out. She’s where the magic is. She’s what will shape you the most. Another one is coming. A gorgeous boy. You’re a mama now and those two children will teach you how to love. They will teach you about the ache in this big wide world.
I would love to sit and have a glass of wine with you, to comfort your heart. I wish I could go back in time and hold you close, wipe the worry from your brow, tenderly hold your hand, and say hush, young woman, be still. It’s all going to be okay, but nothing will go the way you want it to. Life and people are going to break your heart. This is just the beginning. You’re trying so hard to be good enough, and do what you think everyone wants from you. You’re uptight and high-strung, you’re afraid to fail and trying to fix everybody else because you don’t know how to fix yourself.
Here’s the thing, my dear, you don’t have to fix yourself. That heart you have for God, that love you feel in the deepest parts of who you are, that doesn’t need fixing. It’s the truest part about you. All the rest is going to get hit and battered about in storms you’d never believe, even if I told you. You’re going to disappoint people, lose friends, lose love and find it again in a completely different way than you could have ever imagined; you’re going to disappoint yourself. God is going to disappoint you. It’s all going to be okay, because that relationship you have with God, that beautiful intimacy you’re cultivating with your Creator is what will hold you together in the years to come.
Being a woman is who you are. You can’t get out of it. It’s your gift and your highest calling. You are going to bring forth life through pain and travail. There will be people who don’t understand the value of women, who set them off to the side and pat them on the heads and tell them they can’t be pastors or have the same titles as men and this troubles you. It should trouble you. It’s all hogwash. You are God’s steward, called to be a woman, to be beautiful, to be noble, and to take the world by storm. Run hard and fast my dear, and don’t let any man tell you that you aren’t a pastor or a leader or whoever it is they think you’re not supposed to be. You are God’s woman. He is so proud of you. For what it’s worth, so am I. You take the hard things that come your way, those painful rejections, the shameful accusations, and you turn them into the food you and God banquet on. This can’t be taught. Only discovered. Somehow you’re figuring out that pain and suffering and disappointment are just as much a part of life as the good and easy, and it’s only when they’re woven together that you find God. He is in the good and the bad, the easy and the hard, and his grace is more ravishing and boundless than anything you’ve ever encountered. Study grace. Learn its gentle rhythm. It’s what makes life sacred and enduring.
You don’t have to try so hard to be good enough. You don’t have to worry about what people think of you. They’re usually too worried about what you think of them. Gossip hurts. Don’t be so harsh in your judgements. I wish you’d learn that because you’re wrong about a lot of things. You’ll learn over time that you know only a part of the story. There’s usually a lot more to everything than what you can see and it’s best you don’t know the whole thing. Your task is to love the people in front of you and bear witness, to watch and see what God is doing. It takes time for God’s work to unfold and when you judge too quickly, you miss all the glory.
You have a longing, a deep ache for intimacy. You can’t name it, but you know it’s missing in your life. I’m really sorry about this. There’s not much you can do about it right now, except cultivate intimacy with God and bring your longings to him. He will sustain you. Every hour you spend with God now, will bear a harvest of rich fruit later. You will reap the goodness of that intimacy with God at a time when you least see it coming and somehow God will be enough. The people you judge and criticize now, for not being good enough, for not having it all together, will become your teachers. They will show you that the imperfect life, the fractured life, the broken-hearted life is the life where the light gets in, where tenderness is most felt, and where beauty and mystery is appreciated and savored.
You will learn, over time, that it’s never been about you being enough. It’s always been about God’s provision of grace. It’s never been about trying to do everything the “right” way.
I love you, dear one. Be brave. Courage begets courage.
P.S. When you start to get an inkling that maybe you should write, that maybe it will help you feel better to pen those words down, to type out those stories you’ve got in your head, do it! You’ll find joy and discover the great exhale of your life.
Much Love,
An older YOU.
(How about you? What would you tell your younger you?)
Well written Tina. Love you
Love you, too!
xoxo
Beautiful…keep writing Tina, a richness of God’s presence pours out in a marvelous way through your writing. You are loved ❤ your words resonate deeply to those who pause, listen and ponder.
Thank you, dear neighbor.
Xox
Loved the writings, I can almost imagine the conversation. Thank you Tina! Would love to have a glass of wine soon!
Thank you! It’s so nice to be in touch, at least virtually.
xoxo
This is so beautiful and deep! I love the line, “You take the hard things that come your way, those painful rejections, the shameful accusations, and you turn them into the food you and God banquet on.” The part about the ones you judge now becoming your teachers… Wow! It takes a lot of humility to see that! These blog post to be yours are really encouraging for me. Thank you so much for being so devoted to your writing. You are a powerful communicator!
Thank you! It’s nice that you’re reading my posts.
xox
I’m enjoying your blogs Tina. I would tell my younger self to savor the time with family. You don’t know how long you’ll have with them, so spend time with them, make the extra effort to be with them, because your time together doesn’t last forever here. Also to go to God first when a crisis hits, not family, not friends. He will guide me through it all and when I look at it from His perspective, I will see it was just a blip on the screen. No big deal.
Thank you!
That is such good advice. I love the part about looking at it from his perspective. So true.
xox
I would write myself a reminder, in very big letters, saying, “Don’t get addicted to pizza, especially pizza buffets, fat boy.” That would help!!!
The advice only helps if we listen to it!
Hugs to you, dear friend.
xox
Another great post! I hope your audience base is growing because it does people good to read your work…My advice to my younger self: clutch tightly onto YOUR truth, to those parts of you that make you feel strange or different–they’ll make you a better artist someday, a happier person too.
Hi there! Thank you! I sure hope it’s growing. I’ve got plans to change my website and set things up so people can share my posts easier and all that. I made a decision to start putting my best work out on the blog and be as honest and true as I know how. It’s been so healing for me.
I LOVE your advice. Those parts that make you feel strange and different — absolutely. They’re the parts that help us find our voice.
xox
Beautifully written, Tina. We have walked a similar path and you have so eloquently expressed how it feels. We did not choose this path. We wonder why God allows it to happen when we were just trying to walk with him. We hurt for our children who are so deeply affected. But we pick ourselves up and know that God is Good and we know that He will use this to create us into his masterpiece. Comments hurt. Advice hurts. Accusations hurt. People think they know what is best when it is simply between God and me. They try to figure what went wrong when it just simply went wrong. I love your writing Tina because in so many ways, you are also expressing my heart and thoughts.
Hi there,
What a gift it is to hear from you. I have often thought of calling you. I love how you said, it just simply went wrong … beautiful. Thank you. We do pick ourselves up and know that God is good. And yes, comments hurt, advice hurts, and especially the accusations. Oh goodness.
Thank you for writing. For connecting.
Peace to you,
Tina
Mi querida amiga….me emocioné, me imaginé qué le podría decir a mi yo joven….desnudando el alma
Dios te siga bendiciendo
se les extraña
xoxoxox
Amiga! Que bueno escuchar de ti en los mensajes. Gracias por escribir. Te extraño …
Que te bendiga, también.
Con Amor,
Tina
As an “older” woman, I see much of what you write to still be helpful in my life and I want to share what you write with my youngest daughter. She is an artist from the age of 2 drawing things even an 8 yr old would have had no idea how, and she is also a writer, with great insights to share. She recently married for the first time at age 43, so her life has taken on a new view of things. Hubby, also 43 her best friend and never before married, both so unusual in this day and age. Her life hasn’t been a smooth path to follow. but slowly but surely she is learning how to trust God. Good days and bad, she is so lovable and cares so much about relationships with her siblings and still misses her daddy, now gone for 21 years. As do I. Keep writing and pleasing God who is the only one that matters and loves you more than you can imagine even now, older lady.
I love hearing about your family! Thank you for sharing. I hope your daughter keeps working on her art and I’m so happy she found love. It sounds wonderful.
Thank you for staying in touch. It’s so good to hear from you.
Much Love,
Tina
Such powerful words Tina. Thank you so much for your transparent honesty…the challenge to always remember I am God’s woman…and you’re right – it’s something that’s discovered. I have learned through a lot of pain that my judgements were too harsh – and God’s work and plan takes time. I would write that to my younger self…slow down and savor the time we’re given – to allow space for growth and pain..that God’s glory will shine.. Blessings and peace to you friend…
Savor the time … that is so good. And allow ourselves space for growth. Very important.
Thank you for connecting.
Much Love to you,
Tina
Beautiful. You were beautiful then, and you are beautiful now.
xoxox
Thank you! So were you and so are you!
Love you!
xox