A Secret about Insecurity

Lately, we’ve had some great days and some good weeks. For the first time in years, I’m reading a book in Spanish and understand most of it. We are making friends, the kids are making friends, and although the weather is turning colder and darker, for us things seem to be moving in the opposite direction. I see light at the end of a dark tunnel!

However, as you all know – we’ve had a tremendous year. My house in Bothell was on the market last year at this time, Rodrigo was in Chile, and we were trying to pack and close up a great life in the Seattle area. So why a blog about insecurity? Because I’ve been thinking about it and I’ve realized something new and important that I’ve just got to share.

For the last eight months I’ve been riddled with insecurity, for lots of good and honest reasons. I’ve struggled with our decision to move, in my parenting, in my marriage, with friendships, in my writing, and in the family – it’s been a year of struggle on every side. Here’s what I’ve learned – You have to tell someone what you are struggling with and you have to name your insecurity if it’s ever going to lose its power over you.

It’s so easy to think and believe that if I keep it a secret, if I don’t tell anyone that I’m struggling with a particular weakness or a specific issue, then it’ll go away. It won’t. Insecurities and shame are like mildew. They grow and grow in dark and damp environments. Bring a little light and some fresh air and the mildew has no capacity to grow. The light and air kill mold. I know this from personal experience. We live in a house with no ventilation, and little light in a few spots. Those places have mold.

Every time I tell someone what I’m struggling with I feel better. I don’t feel so alone, I don’t feel so overwhelmed, and somehow or other it makes it less of an issue.

Honestly, I don’t recommend you tell just anyone. Some people are lousy at hearing about your insecurities. The wrong person makes you feel worse. So choose wisely. But choose.

A few weeks ago I was riddled with insecurities about my appearance. I felt ugly, fat, blah blah blah. And I decided I better stop stuffing and start talking. I shared with tears how I was feeling with a few close friends and afterwards I felt better. Just plain better. I’m not thinner, and I look the same – but I felt better.

For a long time, I wrote in secret. It was scary to share my work with anyone else and I felt insecure about it. Your writing doesn’t get any better if you don’t share it. You write in the closet, but you can’t keep it there. At some point, you have to share your work. Because art was meant to be shared. A gift. So, I started taking risks and getting my work out there and I shared it with the right people and the wrong people. And learned to discern the difference.

Here’s one more secret – if you don’t feel insecure about anything – then you probably don’t have a pulse and you are most likely living a fairly boring and unreflective life. Life is filled with risk, insecurity, growth, and self-doubt.

What are my areas of insecurity and self-doubt that I have to push through and talk through?

Parenting – geeze it’s hard to parent. I go from feeling like I might know what I’m doing, to feeling like the worst parent this side of the Equator in a day. The truth is in the middle somewhere and the truth is lived out in community. I have to talk to someone about it.

I’m insecure about my writing – anything in the area of the arts, anything that is about craft – is going to push us and move us through self-doubt and pride like in a continuum. That’s reality. If we have people we talk to about it with, we will find the way through to balance much faster.

What people think of me – this is probably the worst one of everything and the one I have the least control over. I can’t change how you see me. I can only live my life. But on a bad day, those dark thoughts rule in my head… but talking to a friend, a confidante, God – takes the power away from the feelings. It lets the air in and the sun can break through.

People will still think those things about me … my parenting is still what it is… my writing isn’t going to get better in a day – but living in community, in talking to someone, in telling your story – is like the sun coming out to shine one morning after a lot of rain-filled days and it dries up the wet and damp soil and things start to grow. Life comes from telling our story. Even the bad parts.

Much Love,

Tina

P.S. I will post some pictures tomorrow.