These three pictures capture my last week in Chile. The picture with me and the other two women is special. I’ve known them since I was twenty-one and they’ve shown great faithfulness to me since I got here. I don’t look so great in the picture, but they do. And that sums up how I feel about them. I haven’t felt so great since I got here, but they let me come as I am and in that kind woman way – have let me be – and nurtured me into laughter and smiles once again.
I spent a wonderful five days at my friend’s summer house and lavished in the warm sun every single day. The kids stayed up till midnight every night and lived like perfect latinos – late nights and late mornings sleeping in. Bliss.
We ate fruits and vegetables till I felt water-logged. Blueberries are now my favorite fruit. And more than anything it felt good and right to be where I was. I wasn’t thinking about what it would be like to be in the States, to be with my family, to be with my friends, neighbors – I was present and content.
We got home and went to our land – we had some trouble with the horse and needed a miracle. We got it and the horse is going to be fine. While we were walking down the hill, Rodrigo in front of me, holding Lucas’ hand, I snapped that last photo. Beautiful.
As we drove to the property, I told Rodrigo that for the first time since I arrived in Chile, I finally feel like I’m ready to be here. Ready to live here. Then, of course, the next day, I woke up dying to get the hell out and wondered whose idea it was that we move to this country, but I rallied and I’m awake this morning, once again ready to be here.
It’s a breakthrough for me. Exhibit A that God exists. Because for about five months the only thing I’ve wanted was to go back, to get out of here – to escape loneliness, pain, disappointment, and go back to the familiar, to friendships, English, good schools. I wanted to go back to Trader Joe’s, to my old LaCanche oven. (I still wonder why I didn’t pull that damn oven out of my house and shove it in the container) I’ve wanted to return to ease and cheaper gasoline prices, central heat.
However, here I am and here I’m supposed to be. And I’m okay with it, in the deep places where contentment comes up out of nowhere, and rears its head, surprising you with how tender and beautiful it is – that’s where I am. Ready to be here. Ready to live here. Ready to build a house, help my kids with their Spanish, and ready to go to the market and buy fruits and vegetables, ready to speak Spanish and not worry if I’m understood. Not worry if people think I can’t string together a coherent thought.
This is evidence that God meets us in our hardest places and somehow through lots of prayer and ache and tears and surrender, he does the impossible in a mysterious secret way. It’s like when all of a sudden you see the trees have blossoms and you are shocked that winter is over and spring is come at last. That’s how I feel – shocked that I’m okay with being here and shocked that it’s not drudgery to get up in the morning and look out my window at the poorly edged sidewalks. Shocked that I’m excited to build a house and buy sheep to start breeding them and have a little sheep farm. The vision is come. At last.
I can’t say enough how this is God’s hand in my life, his special touch. Because I seriously could not manufacture those feelings.
So what is it that I’m trying to say? That when we give God our impossibilities, our fears, our disappointments as an offering and pray and ask him to help us – he does. He does. That’s what I’m trying to say.
Thanks for reading … the people who read this blog and comment – are in particular, God’s hand in my life. You’ve been my group. Thank you.
Much love,
Tina
Wow. I hear so much of this (as always) and know so deeply what you are talking about. Thanks for writing and sharing, Tina. It is a blessing to read and such a good reminder to lean in to wherever I find myself. Thanks.
Thank you Katie. I think of you often and wonder at your courage to tramp around the globe and keep pressing in. It’s not easy. Perhaps, I’ve minimized that in your life. I know now, I had no idea what I was talking about. Love you. Tina
I appreciate your honesty Tina! I didn’t realize till I read your words that though I am in my “safe” world there are some places I’m not ready for, here. I will be pondering this…… Thank you!
Thanks, Susan. Yes – no matter where we are God always has more for us, doesn’t he? And we have to decide if we’re up for it!
Such good thoughts for my day Tina….as I read and pondered your words I was reminded of a lesson God taught me through a bike trip I made years ago. I was struggling with a my friend C up a mountain in Montana. The winds were whipping around us making the climb just that much harder. I just wanted to be finished. I wanted the comfort of a car to whisk me up the mountain in 10 minutes rather than endure the struggle we were facing, of who knew how long, until we made the crest. My entire focus was on the pain, I was consumed by it, when I suddenly looked up and out. What I saw took my breath away. Right along side the road we were struggling on was a herd of wild horses. They were running the same route we were, and they were on a full out gallop across the rolling grass land. They were filled with joy, you could see it, as they romped with each other. Throwing back their head, mains flying and their legs bucking. There I was still struggling up the hill, but God had taken me out of myself and gave me a new focus, one that was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. I no longer thought I couldn’t make it up the mountain. I knew if I could take my eyes off myself, and my pain, that I could do it. I would make it through the struggle and come to the crest of the mountain. As I continued on, I lost sight of the horses, but I had learned where my focus needed to be. I started looking for anything that wasn’t the pain to focus on. Some times it was the tiny weeds in the cracks of the road we were on, sometimes it was C’s feet on the bike next to me and other times it was the awesomeness of Gods creation. There was ALWAYS something that God used to remind me look outside myself and see His provision. The struggle didn’t change but my focus had and that changed everything! I am so blessed to hear that God is giving you those beautiful moments of being refreshed. Your walk and your words are a encouragement to me as I walk my own new path, which as is often the case, filled with it’s own struggles and hard places. Thank you Tina and God Bless You!
Thank you! I absolutely love this story and it is so fitting. It is so true – look up and out. I need to keep doing that. I also think – your story is so going to end up in one of my books. Perfect. Thank you, Joanne. I can really relate to the focus being on the pain.
Much love,
Tina
Tears fell as I read your blog today, tears of joy for you, tears of remembrance of being in that place myself when we moved to Nicaragua and when we moved back, and tears of rejoicing in our great Father who thankfully knows the very depths of our souls, our longings, and our true selves and loves us anyways! Reminds me that I need to continue watering my grass right in front of me and be content with where it’s at. Thank you so much T for sharing your heart! I love you and miss you lots!!
I think of you all the time and say to myself – If Sherah could do this, I can follow in her stead. If Judi could do this – I can follow her too. You’ve been such an inspiration. I’m sure you did it with much more grace … thank you for being a great example.
Thank you so much, Tina, for your honesty and transparency. You are ministering to many through your blog – me being one of them! I am so thankful and happy for your breakthrough, and I look forward to you walking me around, someday, at your HOME there in Chile, pointing out the horses and sheep. Thanks for taking us on your journey.
Than you, Marcia! Your faithfulness means the world.
Dear Tina, the day I met you last year at the conference at Church I couldn’t realize how hard could it be for you to settle down in my lovely country. I just love it! It’s my home 🙂
But when I was in your workshop I thought about how great is God for bringing your family here at this time. I know that is not easy, but I’m sure you will soon see such marvelous things in here for you and family. God has a perfect plan… keep trusting and you will see …
Tons of hugs and kisses!!!!!!
By the way your Spanish is great!!!!!!! Never feel afraid or ashamed when using it! You are a great Spanish speaker 🙂
As is your English… you write very well. And I’m sure, over time I will come to Love your country as you do.
Beautiful friend,
So glad that Spring has sprung in your heart. God is faithful and so full of miracles. I do suppose he is in the Life giving business afterall. {But why I am always so surprised by it I just don’t know}
Thank you my dear. Thank you for being present, if even far away.
I often look back to those first years of living in this foreign land as time lost and mistakes made. I can look back and remember times when I probably could have chosen a different road, a better road. Maybe attitude is more fitting than road. The current of the unknown and grief and loneliness often got the better of me and swept me up in their rip. The feeling of abandonment of my own self and all that was familiar would sometimes knock the wind right out of me. I cried a lot. But, you know, right now I look back with wonder and remember a God who is ever present. Who watched and entered and allowed. He allowed so I could grow, push my roots deeper in Him and be strong. I have memories of moments when I was happy to live here, in those early years. And I know they were God given moments when he quietly bestowed familiarity and I think those moments, those memories were the beginning of the foundation of being settled in this land. It’s like He was saying- this is a good place. I am here, therefore you can breathe, I am familiar and I am your friend.
People ask me now how long I’ve lived here, some think I’ve just got off the plane and am here on holiday. Some think I’m here studying- which always makes me laugh because let’s face it, American education is just a bit better than here 🙂 When I say 6 1/2 years, their next question is- do you like it? or do you ever want to move back to Seattle? You know when out of the depth of your heart you answer and it doesn’t frighten you, or make you want to cry, or that you even have to ponder your answer, it must be God. I always answer with- i love it here. This is my home, I’ve made it my home and no I’m not sure I’ll ever move back- and there is no sting anymore. There is no more grief. It’s like you said, spring has sprung and the winter is over. It’s taken me many years, a lot of fight, but you know you’ve had honest to God breakthrough when it’s not a feeling, but a permanence. If that makes sense.
I understand part of your season and it does my heart good to know that you also have moments during your settling in of Grace. Of familiarity. Of friendship. It has been an honour to watch you process and enter this season with Jesus, to witness you embracing the horribleness with maturity and truth and allowing God to deepen your roots and make you strong. In 6 years you’ll look back and I’m certain you will be able to say, Chile is home. His people are now my people.
This is one of the best letters I’ve ever gotten from you. This is true depth of character. Thank you for taking the time to write it. I’ll probably quote you from here on out …
Hey T… Thank you for continuing to chronicle your journey. Your story and your family’s story. God’s story – of pain and fear and grace and redemption and Love that does not fail and Hope that cannot disappoint. To be able to bear witness to a breakthrough in your own life – to recognize it even when you’re so close to it – is such a gift. To stop long enough and struggle hard enough to give it voice – to articulate that which is so sacred – is a gift to the rest of us. Thank you. I join with you in praising a God whose hand remains on us, even in the longest and coldest of winters, and rejoice with you that the signs of Spring are all around! I love you…
Thank you for reading … for being faithful, for being my friend. I love you too.
Hi Tina,
I love the story your words tell. I identify intensely with the feelings of estrangement following an international move, the grief, the longing, the loneliness. .. contentment is such a wonder in that context! wow! Well done, God & Tina! You make a great pair!!
Meg! So wonderful to hear from you. Estrangement is such a fitting word. Thank you for bringing into my vocabulary. How are you?
Still writing? I’d love to chat sometime and catch up on all the literature and thoughts you have – I know, last time we talked you wanted to write a novel… is that still on the table? Would love to hear… much love and thanks for the encouragement. Tina
Hello lovely Tina, and thanks for being glad to reconnect! I am right now immersed in story – people’s stories – I am working as a community nurse for homeless youth. This doesn’t give a whole lot of time for writing, and sadly my novel dreams are on the back burner, but it seems to be where God has put me for now! Benjamin has been studying and soon will be finished. We are living in Melbourne Australia. For me, the move back to my ‘home’land after 9 years in Seattle and 2 on the ship was harder and more disorientating than any move away from Australia. Reading your story, and those of your friends, is so helpful. I think one of the difficulties in grieving another land is the loneliness – I had this enormous sorrow, and felt i couldn’t share it with people, as it was kind of insulting to the place they were from. I think I could get better at authenticity in awkward situations! One of my very favourite bible passages is from Hebrews 11: 13 All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth. 14 People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. 15 If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. 16 Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them. (NIV)
Much love to you Tina, your family, and your fabulous horse,
Meg xoxoxo
Meg! I can’t tell you how much this scripture is ministering to me. I’m going to spend some time – letting it go deep.
Love to you and Ben and your precious girls.
Tina
Tina – your words and story resonate with me. I love how God heals, restores & brings vision & joy out of darkness. I’m praising God for the breakthrough in your life and remembering breakthroughs in my own. I’m thankful God loves us and restores us. Thanks for letting us travel with you- sharing the joy and disappointment. It takes courage & I’m thankful for your words & especially your heart. Love Dee
Dee, thanks for reading so faithfully. I appreciate your presence on my little journey. I will keep reading your words and love that you read mine.
T
Tina, I didn’t know it was OK to feel the way you expressed. My moving to Kansas has been just like you so tenderly and realistically put it. It was my doing that we are here, yet each day is a day of growth, change, regret and acceptance of where God led us. I wish I could come over for a cup of tea and talk about the whole thing. I have not been to your blog before, but He sure led me there today. Just like He led me here to the middle of the country. I love you Tina. I will watch your posts. I will watch Him work in our lives through it all. Blessings mi amiga.
Chris, I’m so thankful you can relate to this. I wish you could come over for a cup of tea too. I miss you.
T