In response to my recent post on people-pleasing, a good friend made a thoughtful comment to me about how it’s hard not to want to help, especially when we see someone in a difficult situation. My friend is right. It is hard when we want to help someone and they don’t seem to want or need us. We can feel powerless and frustrated, and left out. While it’s true that people need room to live their own lives, there must be something we can do. We were made to be in relationships and we want to help people we care about. I do think there are a few things we can do…
We can pray. This might seem trite. I don’t mean it to. There are times when we desperately want to do something and have no idea how to help and we end up batting about back and forth trying to fix people’s problems. Right now, I have a couple of friends who have cancer. While it’s true that they need some honest to goodness assistance, and personal attention, it’s also true they need prayer. Cancer is beyond me. My friends need more than I could ever offer them. They need light and life, love and hope, comfort and grace. Things God is able to give them in caring, and personal ways. Sometimes, we have friends who need practical, obvious help. Maybe you have a friend who needs money for groceries this month – instead of praying for them to get groceries, maybe you should simply buy them groceries. However, maybe that friend needs a job and has needed groceries every month for a year. Them getting a job is probably more than you can do. We are not all-knowing, all-powerful people. And many times our friends need more than we could possibly do for them. Maybe you have a friend with an addiction, or you have friend with cancer, or a friend who can’t get a job, or a friend who is going through a painful season of life. It may not be helpful to offer solutions and advice. But, it is always helpful to pray for them. When we talk to God about our friends, we place them in good hands, in knowing hands, in loving hands … and God’s light shines. He hears and helps.
We can ASK if there’s something they need. When I’ve been in seasons of overwhelming need and pain, the best aid has come when friends have asked what I need. They don’t presume to know what it is I should do with my life, they don’t presume to think they could possibly understand my particular set of circumstances. We always have freedom to ask if our friends need anything … and on many occasions, people will tell us what they need. It’s still good to love people even if we don’t have all the details. We can still hope for their good and lend a hand. We may not have the solution to their big burdens, but we might be able to help carry the load.
We can affirm them and communicate we want their best. There is a tendency to think that if I affirm someone, it also means I agree with everything they’re doing. That isn’t true. I can tell someone I love them without needing to qualify it. People need love. And they need friendship even when they’re doing something I may disagree with. People are on journeys and are finding their way. It doesn’t help to disapprove of them. It only alienates us and creates distance.
We can assume the best. People are generally trying to be good people and love their families and do what is right. People are also searching for God, trying to find their way to live an honest spiritual life. It’s gracious when we give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they’re doing their best.
We can be patient. Sometimes people need time. Jesus says don’t throw pearls before swine … In The Divine Conspiracy, Dallas Willard writes about this and I was forever altered by his teaching. Willard explains that when we go around throwing our pearls, our “good things” at people, our “solutions” and they aren’t ready or looking for our solutions, they get annoyed, and eventually turn and devour us. When we push people, or coerce people to do what we think they should do with their lives, we are overriding their will and trying to control them. Personal choice is paramount to living an authentic spiritual life. It’s not good to try and solve people’s problems for them, even in an attempt to “fix them.” They need to seek life and ask for what they need. If we wait and pray, over time, they may come to us and seek our counsel. And then, we’re invited into a relationship of loving friendship rather than coercion.
I hope you’re having a good Monday. I broke my foot … so my day is one of hobbling!
Much Love,
Tina
