Today, I went onto my Facebook site and changed my name. Tina Osterhouse. It’s the name I had all my life, the name I was born with, my dad’s name, my family name.
I was proud to be Tina Bustamante for sixteen years and will always feel a deep love and admiration, and a certain affinity with my children’s last name. When I was a young woman starting out life as an adult, it was, for me, a great honor to take on another man’s name and merge my life together into his. I wanted to give up my family name in order to take on a new name – a new life. I saw it as part of what we women do. We give up part of who we are in order to become something together.
I’ve been thinking about changing my name back to Osterhouse for some time now. In Chile, women don’t take their husband’s surnames, and the children end up having two last names. It works. At first, when I moved there, something seemed wrong with the tradition, but as time went by, I realized there was also something satisfying in it, of both the man and woman keeping their identity, and still finding a way to merge into one. Marriage is mysterious. It’s not because of a name that a man and woman somehow, over time become one flesh. It’s a thousand other things, most of which no one else in all the world sees. It’s private and sacred, and therefore, devastating when the marriage is torn asunder.
This last season has been a time of rebuilding for me, of reflecting, of looking at the past with a straightforward honesty, and trying to make sense of things. I don’t know if I’ll ever understand it all. That’s impossible. But I do understand that I spent a great deal of my grown up life running away from a past that felt broken to me. My parents divorced when I was young. My mom remarried. I absolutely love her husband and all his sons now, but it’s taken me years to get there. My dad is still single. He’s had some romances over the years, but opted for a single life. There is so much in my family history that felt difficult to reconcile, full of aches and loss and pain. So, for years, I ran away from what felt like utter devastation. My family legacy seemed like nothing but ruins, and so I was eager, if not desperate, to change my name and make myself someone new.
I was small-minded …
Over the last several months, I’ve had rich and meaningful conversations with both my parents, with my sisters, and with my step-brothers and their wives. They’ve offered me counsel, gentle suggestions, thoughts and an endless supply of tissues and moral support, but more than anything they’ve all simply sat with me and let me live out this season with as much honesty as I’ve had the courage to muster. On Thanksgiving, I talked with my step-brothers and their wives and told them a sliver of what was going on. I confessed how worried I was about my children, told them I was losing good friendships over all this, that I was about as low as I ever imagined being. Each of them, gently, with such tenderness, reassured me that I was not alone and this was not the end of my story. They were with me.
My younger sister flew home with her entire family to be with me at Christmas, so I wouldn’t be alone. They spent an absolute fortune on plane tickets because she knew I needed her. That gift was the gift of true love. My older sister writes me texts from time to time to let me know she’s got my back. She’s with me. My mom nods her head and lovingly extends her life to me as a testimony, a legacy if you will, not of perfection, but of love. My dad shows up at every game Lucas plays and cheers him on, ever present. He takes Emma to the barn and gives her riding lesson after lesson, pouring his horse knowledge into her. My list could go on.
What I’m realizing, is that what I thought was a legacy of devastation was actually a rich heritage of strength, a foundation laid for me of forgiveness and second starts, an example of what it means to honestly look at our lives and lean into the horror instead of running away from it, or shoving it under the rug in destructive patterns of denial. No one in my family is too arrogant to say they’ve messed up. No one in my family is too proud to say they’re sorry and they’ll try to do better next time. …
This is the stuff I want to rebuild my life on. The good fruit that comes from humility and suffering, the beautiful character that is formed from rubble and heartache, from disappointment and overwhelming loss.
My family is so terribly human. We’ve got it all: alcoholism, divorce, remarriage, sexual identity stuff. We’ve got drug addiction, death, great sorrow, overwhelming regret and disappointments – and yet, here we are. I’m a fragile, struggling mother … but I come from good bones, from strong and mighty hearts, from a people who continue on and choose to seek God, who find his grace sufficient in their day of trouble and lean into the relationships right in front of them, the ones with their children and grandchildren and step-grandchildren and love them just as they are.
My family is a family who says to people all over the world … there is room for you here. You have not gone too far, you are not too broken to be loved, and you are not too devastated to discover that grace is a gentle and healing balm.
Oh my, Tina, this is SO honest, real and moving. Thank God for your family. Not everyone has this kind of support. Thank God that already you are seeing His mercies through them. Thank you for being faithful to speak the hard words of healing. May they go out to mend many!!
Leslie,
What an honor to hear from you! Thank you so much for saying something to me.
Thank you, thank you.
Xoxo
I love you Tina. Thank you for your honesty…vulnerability and your personal insights to life’s hardships and dissappointments. You are a strong woman of God and you just proved it with this writing. As I learned last Sunday…IT IS OK NOT TO BE OK….We can be honest about that and not feel guilty that everything isn’t perfect,. We live in an imperfect world…Our Hope is in Heaven.
I love you, too! You are such a tower of love and grace and strength for so many. Thank you for being a part of that good family who shows us it’s okay to need God and his grace.
You are a good friend.
Xoxo
I love this and can relate to much of your experience. Thank you for sharing your heart. ❤️
Thank you!! It’s so good to hear from you. I’ve thought of you during this time … Thank you!
Xoxo
Beautifully said my friend! Deep, thoughtful, and vulnerable.
Miss you! Thank you for reading and commenting.
Much love to you and yours.
Xoxo
Sweet friend…this is so very raw and beautiful. My very favorite type of beautiful! You sure do come from good bones with a strong hearts. <3
Thank you! I love you.
Xoxo
This is so honoring of your amazing family!! I’m tearing up as I read it!! Wow!
Thank you!
Xoxo
I love you, Tina. What a good piece of writing and of your heart. Here’s to moving forward.
Yes, moving forward.
Xoxo
I love you Tina! Every word is so true and heartfelt. Loved it!
I love you, too! Thank you.
Xoxo
Tina,
Your words are courageous, vulnerable and beautifully expressed. Oh how we need to bear witness, without judgement, to each other’s transformation journey!
What a great way to say it! You are so right.
Thank you for writing.
Xoxo
I love you baby sister !!❤ family of origin is what I do in my group…you know I am always here for you !!❤
I love you, too!
Xoxo
“…as a testimony, a legacy if you will, not of perfection, but of love.” This part right here, wow. I have recently discovered how destructive my perfectionism is and can be. And this sentence summed up what I WANT to do instead, but I didn’t have the words.
And then your final paragraph brought me to tears. Yes, yes! This is what family is supposed to be like, and how the church family should be. This is something I strongly desire, and want to be for others.
This was so beautifully written, it really spoke to me, and it encouraged me. Hours after first reading it, your words are still drawing me to the light and truth of Jesus. Thank you for writing this.
Thank you! I’m so glad you wrote. Yes, I agree with everything you say…
Much love to you and yours,
Tina
Tina, I love your writing, telling it at it is, with honesty. God shows His grace! I love you!
Thank you!
Xoxo
Tina,
I am so sorry you have to go through all of this. I don’t know all the details nor do I need to. What I do know is how we can move past difficult family situations with Gods help and the help of family and friends.
If there is anything I personally can do to be of assistance to you just let me know.
Rick,
Thank you for taking the time to write. I appreciate your kind thoughts. It would be nice to connect in the future. I’ve missed OM.
Much Love,
Tina
Querida Tina gracias por compartir tus luchas y descubrimientos. Son de bendición!!! Solo te vi una vez. 😉
Dios te bendiga y te acompañe en tu reencuentro contigo misma. Te entiendo lo que escribes perfectamente. Después de años de no saber quién era y cuál era el propósito de mi vida aquí, me estoy descubriendo o redescubriendo. GRACIAS. Un abrazo argentino desde Holanda. Si en algún momento te encuentras por éstos lados, eres más que bienvenida en nuestro hogar.
Griselda,
Muchas Gracias por to cariño y amor por mi … Y por supuesto, si estoy en Holanda, me encantaría visitarte.
Un beso,
Tina
Thanks for sharing.
I do believe the Lord is pleased when we are not afraid to show we are human beings that depend completely on His grace.
So do I.
Thank you!
Xoxo
Love this, friend. You are so beautifully real.
Thank you!
Xox
Tina, sweet lady. From when first we met at Tricia’s those years ago, I knew you were a strong woman of God and reading what was penned my heart still knows where you remain….in God’s Palm. You and your family are as a stained glass window….each segment different in color and design, and yet together a masterpiece!!! You’ll be a stronger woman as you continue on in this journey called life. Thank you for sharing your tender heart. Keep writing. God is opening doors you’ve yet to approach…..keep on the journey. You are loved.
Thank you.
Xox
All so beautiful. Much to ponder here. I think this is so hope-filled and true, a message we all need to hear. Especially this:
“My family is so terribly human. We’ve got it all: alcoholism, divorce, remarriage, sexual identity stuff. We’ve got drug addiction, death, great sorrow, overwhelming regret and disappointments – and yet, here we are. I’m a fragile, struggling mother … but I come from good bones, from strong and mighty hearts, from a people who continue on and choose to seek God, who find his grace sufficient in their day of trouble and lean into the relationships right in front of them, the ones with their children and grandchildren and step-grandchildren and love them just as they are.
My family is a family who says to people all over the world … there is room for you here. You have not gone too far, you are not too broken to be loved, and you are not too devastated to discover that grace is a gentle and healing balm.”
I am grateful.
It’s amazing to me how God uses our pain to reconnect us to our roots and bring peace to a story that needed reconciliation…
Thank you.
Xox
So many of us (all of us?) grew up parented by imperfect people, and we parent imperfectly. Thank God for our Perfect Father and Lord who fills in our gaps with his Perfect Love. May you bask in that knowledge that you and your children are loved both imperfectly and perfectly.
Amen.
Xox
This is beautiful Tina…you will always be my dear neighbor. Love you and your tremendous strength. You are an overcomer❤
Thanks, Mel! I’ll always think of you as my neighbor, too.
xoxo
So well said Tina! Brought me to tears. My own family story is similar, that could be why I’m usually a puddle mess for sad stories about children. Thanks for sharing such intimate thoughts with us.
Thank you, Susan! It’s so good to hear from you. I know, me too. Stories about children bring on the tears!
Much Love to you,
Tina
Oh Miss Tina. (Texas title) I wondered why you returned to the states, and suspected it might be what you have revealed You at your lowest moment must have discovered just how strong you really are. “For when we are weak, He makes us strong.” Your family and my family could be the same except that my parents remained married until death. I recently found out that my oldest daughter had left her husband and was divorcing him. Her brother had already gone through that. It is heartbreaking, but we have a God of Grace who loves us. When I moved to TX, I’m sure many folks thought I was running away from the drama and chaos and heartache, but some knew that God had intervened and made sure I moved opening all the doors and windows to make it happen and reassure me that I was completely in His will. Just this week I read that when God told Abraham to leave his land and go where He would lead him, that the Hebrew word used, meant ” go for your benefit. I can rest assured that it has been for my benefit that God sent me to TX and God is showing you the same for you and your kids. Be strong and of good courage. God is working in and through you in this difficult time. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and your story. Love you.
I am going to look that word up in Hebrew! That is so interesting. My goodness.
Divorce is terribly heartbreaking. And it’s the very thing that sets some people free.
I’m glad you stay in touch.
Much Love,
Tina
Moved by your depth and courageous goodness, and bold but respectful vulnerability….as always.
Much love and admiration….as always
Joan
Thank you, Joan. Love your presence in my life.
Same to you — lots of admiration.
Tina
Tina,
You are brave. Courageous. Authentic. Beautiful…and your story is being written with every word crafted by God Himself. It is so evident to me that you have a tremendous gift and passion for words, your expression is brilliant. Thank you for stepping out and speaking freely. There are hundreds and thousands of broken women on this planet who need to hear your story and hear the redemption of your own healing journey. You are not alone my sister, and we stand together each carrying our own wounds but supporting one another with love. Many hugs!
Thank you! It is so wonderful to hear from you. I so appreciate your encouragement. I look forward to seeing you in the near future!
Much Love,
Tina
Querida Tina gracias por compartir es pata mi personalmente tener la bendicion de conocerte y. Aprender tanto de todo lo que compartes por medio de tu vida tus pruebas y tus fuerzas que permites que Dios.te da dia a dia gracias. ANIMO
Gracias! Es una gran bendición tener mujeres como tú en mi vida. Te agradezco por tu cercanía y cariño.
xoxo
Tina, I’m thankful you are in a season of rebuilding…on a foundation that gives you strength. Heidi
Thank you!
Xoxo
Tina, when we, in humility, admit to God our brokenness, it is then that God can rebuild us into what He intended for us from the beginning. It is something we all need to experience, but which many do not choose to experience. I’m sorry for your journey, but uplifted at the way in which you choose to face it. And, you’re an excellent writer. Keep up the good work.
It is so good to hear from you. I deeply appreciate your encouragement. And thank you for reading my words!
Much Love,
Tina
Makes me cry. There’s a place in me that is so grateful you are sharing your story. It is probably so very hard, but I think it is what will open the doors of healing. Your beautiful community loves you and your children. I was just reading through everyone’s comments. On your blog and on Facebook. Some of those sweet comments come from our friends that always knew you as Osterhouse. And not one had a negative thing to say. And let’s be honest, there’s been enough negative that would make many curl up and hide behind closed doors. But I look at your community and think Lord, thank you for the friends, the family, the people who remain and sit with their friend. No comment. They just remain. These years could have sucked the life out of you. I watched you be brought so low. And I’ve watched you take the hands of friends and family and replant yourself and stand strong. I marvel at the strength you have mustered and you have allowed the Lord to forge a safe path for you and your children. I love you.
Your words are beautiful. Family and friends are by far a life-line I couldn’t have done without.
I love you,
Tina
Thank you Tina,for sharing your heart,so glad I’ve been a part of your family for so many years,what s blessing you all have been to me!!
Thank you for writing and affirming me! Yes, we’ve known each other for a long time!
(P.S. I like like your shoes.)
Thank you friend for your honesty and transparency. To be real and vulnerable takes so much courage and strength! I love the way you allow us in to hear your heart. What encouragement… Thank you again…
Xo
Julie