Our wants change over the years, don’t they? Life changes us, children change us, marriage changes us. We wake up one day and realize that what we wanted twenty years ago, or even five years ago is different now. The grand hopes we had as young people in our early twenties setting out on life ebb out and are replaced with an appreciation for simple things. We become grateful for what really matters.
I used to want to be important and for God to do great things through me, whatever that meant. Now, I’m content to live a quiet life and love the people in front of me. I appreciate the gift of a quiet life, the beauty of simple love and honor, and the hope of a fresh start tomorrow.
Yesterday was a difficult day at work, which led to a rough night with my kids. We all cried. I spoke up about some things that probably needed to be said, but I’m not altogether sure I said it in the best way. This too, is life. I want be a woman who embraces my humanity, who is not trying to hold it all together and manage everyone, who lets life unfold around me without feeling the need to control and buffer everything. That means some nights will be hard. I will make mistakes. I will apologize. And I will stop taking responsibility for everyone else and start taking responsibility for myself, for what I want and what I hope for. I will use my voice and speak up, not only for everyone else, but also for what’s inside of me.
It’s important to let time transform our wants, because if we don’t things grow stale and stoic. We have to let our vision change with time. If we hold too tightly to the picture we have of how our life is supposed to be, we can’t receive the life that we have. God is the God of today, and tomorrow, and yesterday. He is not the God of what should have been. He is God. He works in the middle of reality, and redeems what is, not what we had hoped for.
There is nothing wrong with realizing that what you wanted ten years ago has altered. My hunch is that the deep want, the true desire that was there early on, is still there. Time, life, pain, those difficult seasons of suffering only serve to refine your heart’s cries and make them a more authentic reflection of you. If you let them.
I wanted to do great things for God, probably because I wanted to be seen. I wanted to feel significant, to feel like my life mattered somehow, to be useful. When I finally started writing, I felt the weight of significance every time I sat down to write a thousand words. This is the authentic want. The true self. Get to the heart of what you really want, of what you were called to do and be, and most everything else comes into focus.
It clarifies everything else. I want to write, yes. But I also want to be a good mother. A good teacher. A good friend. I want to open my heart to risk and love. I want to feel the goodness of living life awake and present, not numb and afraid. I want to honor God and love God with my whole heart in a true and authentic way. I want to drink coffee in the morning and enjoy making my family waffles with fresh berries. I want to travel and see Italy. I want to make fresh bread and invite friends to eat with me. I want to open my heart wide and love with extravagance. I want to listen and train my ear to hear God’s voice. I want to love and be loved.
Time serves a good purpose when it intermingles with God’s grace. Grace and time together change us and make all things new …
How have your wants changed over the years? I’d love to hear.
Much Love,
Tina
Tina, this is an insightful piece. I think about how much of my early life and career was characterized by trying to accomplish big things in public ways. I don’t think I could have seen or known that I was motivated by a desire for attention then, but I can feel a change in my wants now. It is easier to find satisfaction in quieter ways of being. Thank you for continually responding to God’s call on your life to be a writer!
John, Thank you for your thoughts. I agree. I look back on my early years in ministry and I had no idea my motives were mixed with good and bad. Time and pain has a way of sifting us, I think. Who’s to say our greatest and most lasting impact won’t come from a quiet place, after all?
See you later!
Tina…such pure and vulnerable writing…you are so right on…your gifting and ability to put your thoughts in script will help many…I could relate to your post…God is merciful and full of grace for us all and so wants to help us through the junk of humanity and life…He promises never to leave us…He is always beside us gently leading and changing us for His glory. Love ya gal
Thank you for commenting, for being a part of the process, for being present and being a part of the community of the writer’s life. Writing is solitary and communal.
God does want to help us through the junk of humanity and through of beauty of humanity — you are beautiful and your life is lovely.
xoxo
Just ditto. Ditto. Ditto. Ditto. I could write a book about how my wants and dreams have changed over the years. I wanted to be significant in God’s kingdom, to make a great impact in the lives of those who were around me….but now, my definitions of “significant and great” have changed. Now, I just want that quiet life, loving those God has allowed into my life, whether near or far. I just want that quiet life that is so centered and grounded in the heart of God and then everything that naturally flows from that place. you know….
Amen and amen. Love that. I completely agree. A quiet life…
Xox
You are so right Tina! My husband once told me that there are items he wants really bad but once he receives them he doesn’t know why he wanted them. That was an eye opener for me. I look at my kids and wonder how did they ever get from being 8 and now 37, where did the time go and when did they grow up so fast. What I want in life is totally different that what I thought it would be at this point. It is always changing but God is in the midst of changing us, all for the better for us to serve Him! He is a gracious and loving Father. Thank you Tina!!