On Letting Go of Fear in order to Grapple Forward

The first time I fell off a horse was when I was about seven years old. My dad is a horse trainer and I used go out to the stables where he worked. I’d climb up with him and yell, “Faster, Dad. Faster!” He’d laugh and ask the horse for more speed.

There was one horse I could ride all by myself, on my dad’s big saddle, with  my chicken legs dangling. I’d walk around the arena like Miss America. Until one day, the horse spooked coming around the corner and I flew off him like a torpedo and landed with a thud right on my face. I bit my lip, which made it all the more dramatic, and had dirt in my hair, down my pants, and in my shirt. It was awful. It scared me beyond any fear I’d known up to that point and my tiny little self trembled and cried. Both my parents comforted me, patched up my bloody lip, and soothed me, blaming themselves. It wasn’t their fault, though. If you’re going to ride horses, you’ll fall off at one point or another. It’s part of the package.

I stopped riding after that. For years. My dad would invite me to go to the stables with him and I’d decline.

Years later, on a whim, I got on a horse. My aunt promised he’d be gentle and that I was safe, so I decided to be brave. The horse loped off. The wind lifted my hair, and my body remembered the ease and joy of being on horseback and something shifted inside me.

The sad thing is I lost a lot of time because I was so afraid. I missed out on years of it as a kid because I didn’t want to fall off again. And when we cultivate fear long enough, eventually it becomes part of our personality.

“How come Tina doesn’t ride horses?”

“Oh, it’s just not her thing.”

But it was my thing. Or… it could have been my thing if I hadn’t been so afraid.  

This morning, Lucas and I sat in my bathroom and discussed the nature of fear. He’s afraid of something and his fear is valid. He has an honest reason to be afraid. But it’s hindering him from doing what he really loves. So I told him the story of how I fell off the horse. I held out both my hands and said, “On one side, I had this very real fear of falling off the horse. I fell hard and it terrified me to fall off again.”

He glanced at my other hand, wanting to know what was on the other side. “But the problem was,” I told him. “I loved to ride. There’s nothing as wonderful as feeling the wind in my face and the thunder of horse hooves underneath me, and the overwhelming sensation of full speed.”

His big brown eyes welled up with tears, feeling the painful tension of holding onto his fear, aching for safety, but also wanting to take that big risk and do what he loves …

We can’t nurse our fears and become who we are meant to be.

We can’t embrace our insecurities and simultaneously do the things that bring us to life.

We can’t be courageous and also lie to ourselves about our deep heart truths.

We can’t fly if we’re crouched in the corner.

However, it’s also true that we don’t have to do it all at once in order to conquer our fears.

We can take small steps in the right direction.

We can whisper to God what we really want and believe He hears us and takes us seriously.

We can choose to believe our voice matters as much as everyone else’s and look for opportunities to speak up.

We can ask someone to read something we’ve written, or submit a favorite article to a magazine. We can save our money and buy a plane ticket to go to that distant land we’ve always dreamed of going to … We can make that phone call and apologize for something we did that hurt someone. We can ask a boy out on a date, or ask that girl what her number is … We can forgive the one we swore up and down we’d never forgive and finally begin to release the anger that’s holding us so tight. We can call a counselor and ask for help … We can confess a secret we’re afraid will break us … and believe that light is more powerful than darkness.

We can choose life and grapple forward …We can choose change one step at at time.

But, you ask, what if we fall of the horse, and dirt gets everywhere, and we make fools of ourselves?

Oh friend … You will fall off the horse. You will get dirty. You’ll bite your lip and taste your own blood. Your heart will race. The wind will get knocked out of you and you’ll lose your breath. And then … because you are strong and fierce, because you love life and were born to breathe fresh air and laugh at the days to come … You’ll get back on… and run.