Emma, Lucas, and I sat in my car a few days ago before school; the rain came down so hard we had to concentrate to hear one another. The car was still cold so we were shivering, tired, still stuck in the morning fog of slow movements. I was wishing we could escape the on-rushing day of responsibilities and obligations.
I pulled out my Book of Common Prayer and read to them. It happened to be Psalm 62. “For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.” Verse 5 says, “For God alone, o my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him.”
The Psalmist talks to his soul, speaks to his innermost being and tells himself what he needs to do. Wait on God. Wait in Silence. There’s this sense of relationship that David has with his soul, with his heart.
About five years ago a good friend of mine was diagnosed with a debilitating disease. We spoke of it off and on, and I knew it was overwhelming beyond anything a person should ever have to bear up under. I was powerless to help her. There was little I could do to alleviate her burden. This was her story, her journey, and though I loved her, almost as much as I love my own life, this was her life and she needed to work it out with God.
Months later, she called me and said she was doing better. I asked her what happened, what made it so she was better. She said she had spent a number of months trying to escape her pain. She didn’t know how to deal with it, so she ran from it. And then she woke one day and realized she couldn’t feel her soul. She didn’t know where it was… She couldn’t talk to it, because she couldn’t find it. So, in desperation she got up and started doing the work of taking care of her soul, again. Of living, of enjoying her life, of setting goals, and dreaming … for though she had been diagnosed with a debilitating disease, she was not dead. She was alive.
In my car that day, I asked Emma and Lucas about their souls, if they knew how to access their hearts in such a way. They both pondered for a moment. Emma stretched out her arms and said she feels her soul when she runs free on a horse. This made me smile, because for a twelve-year-old-girl, she knows exactly what she’s talking about. When I run care free on a horse, I also feel my deepest self, my soul, in a tender way.
Lucas told me, “My soul is tired.” And then he yawned. This made me smile too, because when our bodies are tired, it takes a toll on our souls, doesn’t it? Although, there are different kinds of exhaustion. One can work all day outside in the fresh air or go on a gut-wrenching hike and come home exhausted, and also feel a deep kind of soul rest. Or one can work and work, toil and toil, and feel as if his or her soul is disappearing – disintegrating and have no idea how to find himself again.
When I returned home from Chile last summer, I was tired and afraid, overwhelmed by the reality of life. I didn’t know what I needed. I could hardly read. Church frightened me. I didn’t want anyone to ask me questions, or tell me how to fix my life. I worked at Costco for a few weeks and recognized so many familiar faces. Some of them threw solutions at me in rapid fire as I filled their carts with food. Though they meant well, I didn’t want to hear more clamor, more trivial chatter about how to fix the hard things. Sometimes us Christians can be the most trivial people around, filled with superficial solutions. God isn’t filled with superficial solutions. But sometimes, his people are.
So, in a moment of desperation, I decided to go to hot yoga. I’d never done yoga. In fact, many years ago, I actually taught against it! However, my reasons for being against yoga didn’t seem to be all that important anymore, so I purchased ten visits to a local studio that had a promotion going, found a yoga mat, and started.
It was there, on my mat, where I began to listen to my own heart speak and take heed. The teachers were kind and spoke with a tender authority. They invited me to be present, to attend to the moment. There was a silence in the studio that offered me sanctuary. I needed silence. I needed to hear my own heart speak and then, slowly, bring it to God and ask for his help.
Something happened at each practice. At one point or another, big alligator tears would spring and I’d have to pause, return to child’s pose and let the emotions of my life overwhelm me. At one point, we were in tree pose, standing tall, and the teacher said, “Something good will bloom from this dark time.” A well of emotion lurched out of me and it was all I could do not to burst into tears. The nice thing about hot yoga is that everyone is sweating, so my salty tears blended nicely with the room.
I’m not going to tell you yoga is what you need. It was a means of grace for me. It might be the exact opposite for you. But all of us need to find ways to tend our souls, to nurture them, and strengthen ourselves in God.
How do you nurture and tend to your soul?
At the suggestion of a treasured friend, I have spent a few moments the last few mornings with the Psalter in The Book of Common Prayer she bought me as a gift–my initials emblazoned on the cover!. It has proven to be a refreshing practice and is a life-giving way for me to return to a neglected-of-late practice of daily scripture reading and reflective prayer. Sometimes the old wine skins get, well, old, and we need to find new ones to keep the new wine flowing. Thank you for your beautiful retelling of your recent journey with your children in this new phase of life. And praise God for hot yoga–an unorthodox yet effective and life-giving new wine skin of God’s grace for you!
New wine for new wine skins seems to apply to me in a few important ways right now. Thank you for commenting!
It’s also fun to discover all the unorthodox ways of apprehending of God’s grace. He surprises me.
Grace to you,
Tina
“Sometimes us Christians can be the most trivial people around, filled with superficial solutions.” YES, and nobody wants to be part of the solution if it will cost them something.
Yes! The cost.
So good to hear from you.
xoxo
Much Love, Tina
Tina,
This is beautiful and real and raw. I am believing for you and with you that in the stillness and the silence as you wait, “there will be pools of blessings after the rain.” (Psalm 84) This is one of my fav’s that has carried me through the wilderness. Hot yoga for you, getting my Masters in Leadership was where I rediscovered my heart in a very, very dark time! So important to tend our very souls and find out what gives them life. For me it is learning and wrestling with truth. I love your writing, keep posting, keep writing, keep sending your gift to others to read and be blessed! Hugs, Cyndi (aka Cynthia Cavanaugh)
What a great comment! Thank you. I can relate to everything you wrote. I love Psalm 84. One of my favorites.
Xoxo
Tina
courage, transparency, grace, hope. thank you
xoxo
Tina,
Thank you so much for sharing from your heart. Every time I run across your blog in my email; it strikes a cord deep within me. Much love, Rebecca PS, Which version of the Book of Common Prayer are you using? I am overwhelmed by so many editions!
It is so nice to hear from you and feel connected if even through a blog.
My version of The BOCP was a gift — but I just recently found one for someone on Amazon and on some Christian book sellers website. Standard Book of Common Prayer – amended in 2006 General Convention to include the Revised Common Lectionary.
Hm … this is an Oxford Press, black cover, hard back with two yellow string book marks. It has a Psalter in it and a cross on the front.
xoxo
Tina
Hello Tina,
You sound like my wife, which is a compliment. 😉
Important to stay in touch with my soul.. which to me is also: staying in touch with the Owner of my soul. Can be difficult, when the great outdoors is outdoors and I feel stuck inside an office behind a screen. Still, always and everywhere there are moments to connect with your soul. Many people these days call that something like ‘being in the moment’, ‘mindfullness’, stuff like that, but to me, God is always there and gives us these moments and that awareness of his presence in the strangest of surroundings and circumstances. I don’t understand Him, yet he loves me…
Anyways, blessings & peace to you & children. You seem to go through similar things with them as we are.
Much wisdom as you are building up their and your life(s).
Arjan (dutchman ex LogosII)
ps I like Harry Potter. My oldest is reading through them. A tale of sacrifice and redemption!
Arjan,
It’s very nice to hear from you. Feeling stuck behind a screen can indeed be stifling, but you’re so right. God is always there, present to us and attentive to our lives.
I loved reading Harry Potter to the kids over the years –and they still make for good conversations on redemption and sacrifice.
xoxo
Tina
The concept of David speaking to his soal is a new idea, I’ve not seen this before. The concept is both astounding and very practical. Soulful, mindful. Living in the present. Grounded.