The middle place is that weird spot most of us end up living in. It ‘s that place right smack dab in the center of the worst and the best of what we envisioned for our lives. We all have a set of expectations, and hopes. We get hung up on it not looking the way we thought it would look. I can’t list the number of times this year I said out loud “It wasn’t supposed to be this way.” One doesn’t have to live long in this world to realize something has gone awry, something isn’t working quite right.
C.S. Lewis once wrote that if I find desires inside of me that nothing in this world can satisfy, then the only logical conclusion is that I was made for another world. This is true. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. And yet here we are.
Most of my adult life I’ve lived with this weird internal drive to make my world the way I think it was supposed to be. My childhood had some beautiful things in it, it also had a lot of difficult things and when I entered adulthood, I subconsciously determined to build the life I never had. The perfect house, the perfect little family, the mini-van, the little elementary school my kids went to – and it was wonderful. And then God asked us to do something different and we decided to give it a try.
It’s been one difficult thing after another and my little perfect world has been irrevocably shattered. For months I lamented this. Today, I thank God for this. We aren’t supposed to try and manufacture a perfect world, or a perfect life. We are supposed to find God.
Mornings come and mornings go here in Chile. We are trying to build a house on my land and it’s taking absolutely forever. Nothing has gone the way it was supposed to go. But I’m here in my little tiny house and I am thankful. I’m thankful that we are meeting neighbors, learning the ins and outs of the city in a way I never would have had we moved to the land right away, and I’m thankful – just plain thankful.
I wanted my kids to go to school here and have this special experience of living in the same world their dad lived in, wearing cute uniforms and doing homework in Spanish. That world doesn’t work for us right now. And I’m not sure their dad’s world is even in Chile anymore. Times change. Visions must adapt.
My kids are home with me and having a wonderful time every day. And funny enough their Spanish is improving since they left school and are able to practice in a stress-free environment. But despite the goodness, over the last week I had moments when I cried out “It wasn’t supposed to be this way! This isn’t what I imagined.”
I get the feeling most of us cry those words at some point in our journeys.
We dream of marriage and have this image in our heads of this romantic life with our spouse and then we have to figure out how to mesh our image with reality. We dream of parenthood and then find ourselves awake in the middle of the night trying not to shake the baby, and rip out our hair aching to get out of the mess we’ve created. And somewhere in the middle of all that we find life, and joy, and hope, and great fulfillment over time. In the middle of all the disappointments.
We learn as we mature that staying up in the middle of the night feeding our babies is going to pass, so we choose to enjoy the moment, or breathe through the moment, and run our thumbs across their smooth cheeks and whisper how much we love them. And we thank God we have a baby to call our own. We learn that marriage was never intended to fulfill our dreams but rather to teach us how to love another person faithfully every day. To stand with someone day in and day out and watch their life unfold. To be someone’s witness. A great and mighty gift. And sometimes our marriages fail and we have to learn how to pick up the pieces of our lives and press on and dare to believe that somewhere in the middle of all it we’ll survive and maybe joy will meet us on the road as we walk on.
The middle place is where our ordinary lives intersect with the eternal and we come to realize that it was never about having it all together or creating a perfect world. It was always about finding God and learning to hear his gentle whispers. And right here in the middle we realize that life is glorious and breathtaking, heart-breaking and shattering and we learn to give thanks for the things we never thought we wanted but somehow against all odds have become our greatest treasures … gifts of restoration, redemption, friendships found and discovered on the rough road, forgiveness and unexpected beauty uncovered underneath hard and dry ground.
It’s in the middle. That’s where we learn to live. That’s where I’m learning to live … and it’s a stunning place to be.
Tell me about your middle place. I love reading your stories.
Much Love,
Tina
What a beautiful piece! This really speaks to me right now, and helps me on my journey of living in the moment. Thank you Tina!
Thank you Jennifer. Very much. Living in the moment is exactly right. Something I’m learning how to do.
Blessings,
Tina
Oh the middle place. Where pain, sorrow, heartache and unmet dreams and desires are embraced and, where I honestly think, you’re given the opportunity to align yourself with God and become more like Him. Key word being embraced. It takes me so long to embrace the journey of “this is not how it should have turned out”. But once I do there is a richness that flows and good things manifest. He always, always is revealed. Perspectives are changed and joy is found. And then like three days later I scream out again– this is not how it should have turned out! Haha! I love it. Love everything you said about your middle place….
Everything you said is truth. Letting go of our expectations in order to receive life.
Congratulations on becoming a nurse. I can’t tell you how overwhelmingly proud I am.
So beautiful, Tina. Wonderfully spoken and truthfully said. This post really spoke to me in a sweet way because this summer has been about learning to live in that middle place. To find the joy in the midst of the chaos; to find Jesus in the midst of our everyday. Thank you for posting this.
Thank you, Doug. I’ve enjoyed hearing about your journey – the ups and downs, the frustrations, and clinging to hope.
Much love,
Tina
You are a dear person to the Monicatti’s but I am sure you know that well. What a magnificent message you share with us, to live and love the middle for what it is. I have struggled with expectations all my life but am slowly warming up to the reality that most things are not at they seem or as we think they should be, for that matter. Keep writing, for yourself, for all of your loyal followers. You speak truths and we all thank you for that. Dear God, it is sad how late I feel I have gotten to know you. The same thing happened with my Grandma, she was gone before I ever really knew her. Just a lesson in life’s great class I suppose, get to know people. Get to know everyone, for someday it could be too late. That being said, something inside me says I’ll be seeing you someday, whether through visits back home or visits to my local bookseller for a talk from Tina, the author. I speak on behalf of momma Les when I tell you we love and miss The Bustamantes. Stay Strong.
Sincerely,
Michael
And you and your family are ever so dear to us! Always.
I can’t thank you enough for such encouraging words… And I will be home in November for a book tour. It would be lovely to see you.
And the world is small. I hope one day you get on a plane in the middle of February or January and take a break from the cold Seattle winter and summer with us. You’d be most welcome. Bring a friend, a backpack and do some traveling, some hiking, and hang out drinking wine with us!
Much love to your mama – and your whole family.
T
We learn that marriage was never intended to fulfill our dreams but rather to teach us how to love another person faithfully every day. To stand with someone day in and day out and watch their life unfold. To be someone’s witness. A great and mighty gift. And sometimes our marriages fail and we have to learn how to pick up the pieces of our lives and press on and dare to believe that somewhere in the middle of all it we’ll survive and maybe joy will meet us on the road as we walk on.”
This really stood out to me. You have a wonderful gift of writing. I think we all have a vision of how things “should” be. Letting that go can so much harder than someone looking in can understand or perceive.
Thank you Rebecca. So much. I appreciate your encouragement more than I can say. And yes, letting those dreams of how it was supposed to be can be so hard to let go… because they weren’t supposed to crumble. It was supposed to work out.
Much love and peace,
Tina
Wow, Tina, so beautiful said, I couldn’t have said it better. It’s in the same line as my Talon books, only with adventure between.
Keep it up
Gigi