On Why Change is Difficult But Matters So Much

Years ago, I took a trip to Morocco and managed to spend a couple of days in the company of some bright and beautiful Muslim women. One evening we sat around a dining room table and talked about our different faiths. We spoke in Spanish, broken French, and translated Arabic. To this day, it was one of the most meaningful conversations of my life. Toward the end, one of the young women got frustrated and voiced a desire to quit talking about such things. “Why do we need to talk about our faith? At the end of it all, you will be Christian and I will be Muslim. Nothing will change.”

Her words struck a deep chord in me. I rose in protest and exclaimed that change is always possible. If we choose it, with respect and care, with courage and insight, change is possible. Things don’t have to stay the same.

On Friday, I sat with a despairing mother. Her child refuses to do his homework, which is causing conflict in the house and the mom doesn’t know what to do. We spent almost an hour brainstorming ways that she could, if she desired, change her family dynamic and bring about a cultural change in her home. The problem stems from the fact that she does everything in her house. Her children don’t help her with anything. Unfortunately, the patterns we learn at home bleed into other areas of our lives. If he’s never had to do any chores at home, why should he start doing homework, now?

This mother and I decided to start with a few baby steps to push her child onto a path toward a more independent life. She wants him to be capable of more than playing video games every afternoon and she’s realized it’s going to take energy on her part to bring about this change. She has to stop doing everything for him, which will inevitably require him to do more for himself. This is a difficult change for her.

I am in the middle of profound change. I’ve been in the middle of change for quite some time. There have been moments when great leaps were required of me. Usually, what seemed like a surprise to outsiders, wasn’t really all that surprising because underneath the surface, plates were moving, adjusting, preparing me for the great alterations I needed to make. At those junction points in my life, I have used every ounce of creative energy I possessed in order to get to the other side. I needed focus and fortitude, a strength of will that refused to relent, and I needed a vision for the other side.

Without vision the people perish … 

When we lack vision, we will inevitably lack courage. A good vision begets courage. If you can see where you want to go and believe it’s possible, courage will come. Start with the vision.

When we believe lies about ourselves, about other people, or about the way things are supposed to be, our vision becomes delusional, and over time, we are left with great regret and overwhelming disappointment.

Disappointment usually has to do with the aftereffect of making decisions based on what we wished was true instead of the actual truth. Then we’re stuck with the aftermath of our own unwillingness or inability to be honest with ourselves.  

Here is the difficulty … Most people don’t want change. They want things to stay the way they are. Even if they’re a cute little frog sitting in a pot on the stove about ready to get cooked. They like the way things are because it’s what they know. Change messes up the balance of things. It messes up the equilibrium of societies, of churches, of homes … Even if things are wrong, people don’t want change, especially if they’re in a powerful position and the requested change will subsequently shift the power structure.

People usually choose change when they get tired enough of the way things are and can no longer stand to stay in their current circumstances.

If you are a change agent, if you are a courageous individual who has chosen to change the dynamic of your personal life, or your home, or your school, your religious institution, or even of your society …

Remember two important things …

Eventually, people adjust to a new normal. Over time, they get used to it. Women vote now in most countries of the world. And we consider it normal. It took decades for women to gain the right to vote. Many people opposed it, fought it, pushed the idea down, and yet women go to the polls all the time and cast their vote for the candidate of their own choosing. This is a remarkable change.

Secondly, in the process of adjustment they will kick and scream and wail and shake their heads all the way through. They will attempt to make you feel guilty for creating upheaval, for asking this of them. They will get angry if you expect them to make room for new things, for new structures, for new voices, for new traditions … Even if those things are good. Some will try to silence and shame you into conformity.

Your task as change agent, as the one forging a new way, is to … Hold. The. Line. Do not let go of your vision. Stand your ground. Over time, you will look back and realize you were part of something true. And it was much more important than you ever imagined.