I didn’t write Monday’s blog post. I couldn’t find the words or the means or the sense of self, so I didn’t write. It was the first time in months that I didn’t write a Monday post.
Then, yesterday during the day I considered giving up my blog entirely, which is silly. But there’s a reason for it, which I’ll get to.
Then, last night, when I was at the store, I made the remarkable decision not to buy the bottle of wine I wanted to buy.
And this morning, when I sat down to write, I realized what is going on. If I’m going to write a blog, it needs to be honest. I’ve been struggling with honesty for a good long time, because I want people to approve of me. To like me. To be what and who they think I am.
But, if I’m going to spend time chronicling private things in my life, the least I can do is own my own life and tell the truth for God’s sake! Approval or not. And really, when we consider approval, it’s a bit of a shifting shadow, anyways.
I’ve skated and skirted and hemmed and hawed … but it’s time. Here are my two truths that I need to write about. Today. Before I go another step forward on this blog.
The first is … that I got married this summer. Yep. I did. His name is John and I love him. Really, truly love him. There’s a whole lot of story in that little snippet and over time, it’ll seep out because that’s how love is, it seeps out. He’s a professor and he’s kind and good. In all the ways a person can be good. He’s a musician and has a great family. We met and became friends and then became more than friends and over the summer, on the edge of his dock, I told him I’d love him. For the rest of my life. And he told me he’d love me. For the rest of his life. Which I hope is a good long time. Making that promise to John on his dock, felt like one big giant exhale … like a great spacious place where I get to stretch out my arms and land in the wide open air and smile.
It’s also the sad finale of another long story. One that didn’t end the way I ever envisioned it ending. It’s a story that broke my heart. I’ve walked around with so much sorrow for so many years, I’ve wondered if I’d ever be able to lay it down. Over this summer, amidst new joy and stability and the budding blossoms of hope … the sorrow continued to cling to me, like a plague. I began to realize, because my dad called it out, that it’s time to lay my sorrow down and let the joy of today squeeze out the sorrow of the past. It’s time to move on.
How do we let God bless us and receive the good things that come, daring to believe they might actually be good things without sabotaging them in fear?
With hesitancy.
With prayer.
With great courage.
We move forward. One step at a time. We let the past crest off into the horizon as we take steps toward the good things that God offers us, today.
The second thing I have to tell you is that I have had a long love affair with wine, and it’s time for that affair to be over.
Several years ago, I wrote a friend to tell her my marriage was in big trouble. She wrote me back with some thoughtful, kind words. And then, in almost an afterthought, wrote that I needed to be careful not to drink too much wine. I appreciated her words very much and then proceeded to drink too much wine. Every. Single. Day.
Then, a year and a half ago, after the first and only blackout I’ve ever had, I woke up, showered, and went to church, with my stomach still curling in nausea. I kneeled down and decided to stop drinking and proceeded to start making real changes in my life, which led to conflict and more heartache and brought me home. Where … I started drinking wine, again. Not every single day. Way less than before, but enough that I’ve had two foot accidents this last year because of drinking. On both occasions I stumbled and hurt my left foot. There’s a metaphor there I’ve been reluctant to see. Not any more.
I’m done stumbling. It’s time for me to walk straight and move forward. Toward life.
I don’t know what my relationship with wine will look like in the future, but it needs to be something other than what it is. I’ve decided to make September a dry month and see what a month without alcohol looks like. (I’ll let you know.) I’m going to deal with my feelings and live one day at a time and write. I’m going to bake bread for the kids. I’m going talk about things that really matter. I’m going to pray all the time about everything. I’m going to make big salads for me and John. I’m going to ride my new paddle board, and I’m going to tell the truth. I’m not going to tell ALL the truth on this blog, because discretion matters. However, whatever it is I write, will come from a place of authentic truth. Which is where we find internal power. We find it right in the middle of receiving real love and living out authentic truth.
This leads me to say I also want to write about … things like … healing. What does healing actually look like? I’ve spent years writing novels about healing. About women who wake up and own their lives and choose the path of hope and courage. I’m clearly enamored with healing and heartache, with loss and sorrow and with the path forward.
I also want to write about my life in the Evangelical church. And how it’s blessed me and made me who I am and how right now I’m trying to figure out my place in the church and its place in me. I want to write about what frustrates me and not do it in a mean, critical way … but as a reflection. And maybe have some real discussions about it.
I want to write about parenting and how freaking hard it is to let our children live in a difficult world and not try to be super-mom. I want to make it all better! I can’t. So I pray and talk and write about it. And maybe we can have real conversations about that, too.
I want to write about the purity movement and how we as Christians have got it wrong and how we also have it right and how we need to learn new ways to talk about what real purity is and the gift of wholesome sex. And the goodness and life-giving gift of monogamy. I have many many thoughts and reflections about the virgins-till-we-get-married club and how it was a blessing and a curse — and where I’m landing on the subject. Many of us use sex to avoid true intimacy … but I think it was meant to be a tender and lasting means to it … This is a hard thing to blog about and I’m not sure how I’ll do it, but I’d like to try. We shall see.
So there it is. The stuff I’ve needed to put down right here, if I’m going to write.
I love you all. I am so thankful for the private notes I get from so many of you. I get encouraging words from people all the time telling me that everything will get better … you are so right. It does get better. It has gotten better … and I couldn’t be anywhere near this place of honesty without you.
Much Love,
Tina
Wish I could be there in person to hug you tight and to meet John. Looking forward to that day, and so grateful for the type of “rebirth” you’re experiencing even now. Much, much joy to you, friend. XO
Thank you. You are an important person on the journey.
xox
Love your courage…and honesty. We all need to be more honest. And I don’t think any of us change until we tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. God’s blessings on your journey.
Amen. Thank you!
xox
Embrace the good! It’s okay to enjoy life. Leave the yuck behind and embrace the goodness of today. We all believe that you deserve to be happy. Now you need to believe it for yourself. Big Hug to you Tina!
Yes, I do need to believe it for myself.
Thank you. So glad I saw you that day in Costco. You were such a gift.
xox
Oh, Tina, Thanks for being your honest self! Thanks for trusting us, your friends with your words.
I am happy for you that you have found love again. I am praying for you, as you are on a new journey.
Much love to you & family.
Jo Ann Sipe
Thank you Jo Ann!
It’s so nice to have someone who’s been around for so many years in my life reading this part of the journey.
Much Love,
Tina
Beautifully said! Many blessings as you live this out.
Thank you!
xox
Tina,
What a blessing it is to be married to such an incredibly wise an intelligent woman! This is a beautifully honest post, and I feel deeply honored to be in life with you. (See: now everyone will know which professor named John you married!).
With great and deep love,
John
Yes, everyone will know. Which is such a good thing.
xox
WOW !… What a sharing moment. Even at the age I am I struggle with the truth of my feelings. Always wondering if it were to all spill out would anyone still love me other than God. I would have already lost my mind if I didn’t have that one truth, that nothing on this earth, in the air, nothing human or principalities can ever ever turn His heart and love from me. That I am always one confession, naming of sin away from His perfect relationship with me. Love you and know you are heading forward. Sadina
I think lots of people would love you … Thank you for reading and for encouraging me!
Much Love,
Tina
Thank you Tina! Writing this took courage and I respect you for it! Swallow hard and continue to be resolute in your descision to be honest and transparent! Myles
Thank you …
Love the word resolute. It’s quite fitting.
xox
So good, because it’s your truth. So right. Cheering you on!
That’s right. Thank you!
xox
Tina,
Thank you for sharing your truth with us, and mentioning your father. He has been instrumental in my life in helping me find my truths. Your mothers faith and your father’s truth? It seems like the blessings have been their all along. Through your writing you give permission for others to share theirs.
God Bless you and your family, congratulations! Your children will be fine, the come from good stock!
Thank you Sandie!
Many many blessings to you. I’m so thankful you’re reading and staying close by —
Much Love,
Tina
And … I love My Mother’s Faith, My Father’s Truth. Sounds like a book.
xox
Hooray for truth and honesty. With a world full of half truths and lies, it is so important that we ourselves, be honest and truthful to ourselves. And when sharing with others. I would so love to forward your post but for now I just get to pray for the one in my life who needs to read it the most.
Thank you for staying in such close contact. Ever so thankful for you, dear friend.
xox
Tina….first of all Congratulations. I am happy for you and proud of you for not hidding the truth and facts…Those of us that love you, only want what is good. and best for you. I am sorry for all the pain you have gone through and pray that you will experience true peace and joy….love you Tina
Thank you, Carolyn!
Such a kind friend you’ve been on this very long journey.
xox
This brought tears to my eyes… I’m a late bloomer, discovering many of these same things.
“How do we let God bless us and receive the good things that come, daring to believe they might actually be good things without sabotaging them in fear?”
This is my journey after the past five years where my brokenness and honesty have been knitted together into a garment that has no familiar shape.
God has been using others, and today He used you, to also whisper to me, “It’s time to move on…”
“Give strong drink to him who is perishing, And wine to those who are bitter of heart.” Proverbs 31:6
So I’ll join you dear sister in moving on and having September be a dry month… As I endeavor to move forward with hesitancy, with prayer and with great courage.
Kudos to your honesty. Its a rare and beautiful thing. ❤️
That is a good Proverb! Wow. Thank you so much. I have been bitter of heart, but it’s time to move on. This verse makes it all seem so fitting. Bless you.
Xox
Tina,
Thank you again for another honest and raw piece and CONGRATULATIONS! I am beyond excited for you and pray that this would the start of newfound joy that is not found in shadows for you! Your dad sounds like a wise man! Share some more life nuggets from him! Be happy. Bake bread for your kids. Hug them tight and enjoy this new chapter in life with John!
Can’t wait to hear more about John!!!
Blessings friend!!!
Thank you, Lisa! Amen and amen.
Much Love,
Tina
Wow Tina, amazing experience and I am really touched by your honesty. You know Tina, I have had this personal motto in my life, which is: don’t try to impress people because they will soon forget you, but try to inspire them and they will never forget you. And that is exactly what you are doing Tina. You inspire us to be better women, better wives, better moms and better daughters. I respect you, honor you and thank you for that! Felicidades con tu nuevo amor John. Let the adventure continue! With much love from the Caribbean island of Bonaire,
Sheloutska
Sheloutska,
What a great woman you are and have been for so many many years. Thank you for your love and faithful presence in my life in this season. You inspire me.
Thank you.
T
I love all these comments. I love all the friends in your life that embrace you, pour out kindness and choose you. Remember when I was first diagnosed and I read all those smutty novels trying to hide from my pain and fear? and about 3 months in you told me to put away the books? You said, it’s time to start your journey, come back to the land of the living. Remember that? I did dry July this year after I felt the Lord say “be of sound mind”. Hardest month ever! But, by the end of the month I felt, sound. Like I was able to be really present and able to continue chewing on all that I have bitten off. So– I hope this month for you brings you back to the land of the living and present. PS: I just love John. Thank you Jesus for the gift of John. I love you…
I do remember that … and how easy it was for me to say it! Boy have I learned. Goodness.
Be of sound mind is exactly it. And maybe BE PRESENT. Don’t numb anything … feel the feelings and let them be there. And learn to cope with them.
I just love John too. Thank God for John.
Love you …
Tina,
Self-awareness, honesty and authenticity are three muses that make the best dance partners as you move through life. Hold them tight and don’t let them go, because their insights will change the steps you take. Sending a big hug your way!
-Karen
So good to hear from you… yes, the best muses the world offers.
Sending a hug back to you!
xox
Oh Dear Tina, thank you for facing your fears, taking great courage, and being real in front of us. And now, I hope you can see that you are loved! We all crave honesty, authenticity, and somehow it’s easier to approach that (even if it’s messy), than it is to approach All-Put-Together. I’m so happy for you and John, for this place of New Beginnings. And I really look forward to hearing more on these topics. Really.
What a gift it is to hear from you… and yes, we are all so much more loved than we even know. It’s delightfully surprising.
Miss you! And Love you. Always.
Much Love,
Tina
I love you friend! Thank you for your honesty & willing to be so vulnerable, bearing your heart for the world to see. What an example to all of us! I’m so happy for this new chapter in your life & excited to see what God has for you and how He will use you! Thankful to call you friend?
Love you, too! Looking forward to many opportunities to see you in the future!
xox
Tina….press on….I love you….always.
Love you, too…
xox
Reading your blog is inspiring Tina. It reminds me of the following quote;
I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
Maya Angelou.
Reading about the rawness of your journey, the highs and lows often brings new perspective and new hope. I often feel challenged and encouraged by your blog so thank you so much for your honesty.
I would also like to congratulate you on your wonderful news and encourage you that it’s okay to allow yourself to be happy. Excited for you all as you head into this new season, be blessed xx
Thank you. Your encouragement over the last year has been so so helpful.
Much Love,
Tina
I’m humbled by this article. I think everyone struggling with honesty should read this. Your words are a blessing and I pray you keep on doing this for a long time to come. Thank you.
Thank you so very much.
Much Love to you!
xox
Tina, thank you.
Feeing your feelings is a good and courageous thing to do. I can’t imagine you coming across any more real or authentic than you already do. Although, to know yourself on a different or deeper level is a marvelous gift you are giving yourself. And, in turn, us. I’m here for you.
-Rachael
Thank you!
I’m here for you, too.
xox
This is beautiful. I still remember running into you guys at the movies…hearing about where life takes us, being real about life and not living in the sorrow any more. There was def a sparkle between you two, and I am so glad you both get to share that till the end of your days…..breathe in deep and exhale all the beauty and fullness the Lord has intended us to live in. As I read this after your dry September, I hope it was successful and helpful as you move through these new seasons of life. Hoping to see you newlyweds again soon….enjoy the gift of love, and new beginnings….your raw and unedited view of life is refreshing and challenging all at the same time.
Loves
Thank you so much for writing. I think of our unexpected meeting at the movies and I’m so glad we ran into each other. You were the model of grace and kindness. Thank you! It would be so fun to see you again.
Much Love,
Tina
Healing is a great and difficult journey !! I believe in you Tina !! If anyone can finish the race well it will be you !!
Thank you, Tim!
I believe in you, too. You are so encouraging.
Much Love!