The Comparisons Game by Jennie Pollock

Fifteen years ago, I lived on a ship for a couple of years.  I met some of my favorite people in the world.  Jennie Pollock was bright, fun, and kind to everyone she met. She encapsulated all the qualities of the English that I admire so much.  The other day, I asked her to do a guest post for me and she graciously agreed.  Jennie is a fantastic writer.  I read her blogs on culture and faith faithfully.  Please read her guest post, and visit her site.  (She’s also working on a book – one I will definitely read.) 

Comparing yourself with others is wrong, right? It is a Bad Thing, which only leads to no good and brings tears before bed time.

Well, I’m not so sure.

This summer (it’s fall now in my hemisphere), I was fretting because I wasn’t going to get a ‘proper’ vacation. I started working as a freelance writer and editor in January, and although I’ve been blessed with enough work to meet my needs, there hasn’t been much over to save for jetting off to exotic locations. I had a week booked in a seaside town in the northeast of England but that region is not exactly renowned for months of glorious sunshine. I was afraid my ‘vacation’ would consist of sitting indoors watching the rain and feeling sorry for myself, while flicking through reams of photos on Facebook of my friends in Greece, Spain, the South of France, Turkey, Australia… You get the idea.

It’s not just vacations that we do it about though, is it?

I’ve just read a new book by Chine Mbubaegbu called Am I Beautiful? In it she addresses the deep-seated need women have to feel beautiful, and how our perception of our beauty affects our perception of our value. If we compare ourselves to society’s image of how we ought to look, we feel sub-standard and this can have terrible consequences for our physical, mental and emotional health. Tragically, it leads to many cases of eating disorders and even suicide.

Or what about our abilities? When I look at some of my favourite writers, or read about my heroes from the past who made a big impact in the culture of their day, I’m struck by how young so many of them were. It is easy to feel that at 40 I’ve already missed the boat, and question whether I’ll ever achieve anything of value.

You might struggle with other things – if you’re single, seeing all your friends walking down the aisle, then starting a family can leave you feeling lonely and inadequate. If you’re married, seeing the freedom of your single friends to do exactly what they please when they want can make you feel trapped and frustrated by the demands of your family.

Or what if you have been successful, through good luck or hard work (or both)? It is easy to compare yourself then with others ‘lower down the scale’ and consider yourself superior because of what you earn, the lifestyle you live or the accolades you receive.

Yes, comparing yourself with others can be very negative.

But I don’t think it is necessarily negative. It depends a lot on who you’re looking at and, most importantly, why.

As I searched between the sun-soaked snaps on Facebook this summer, I saw other things – the family with special needs children who had a vacation, but not a break; the friend with respiratory problems who sometimes feels like she spends more time in the hospital than at home; the single mum whose budget is far tighter than mine; the friend with ME for whom stepping out the front door is a triumph worthy of celebration.

My problem was not that I was comparing myself and my situation; it’s that I was comparing it with the wrong things, with the wrong motivation.

The story I was telling myself – or allowing myself to believe – was ‘You’ve got it rough. Everyone else is better off than you. You deserve to feel sorry for yourself. It’s not fair’, and when I looked for evidence to support that story, it was there by the bucketful.

When I started focussing on a different story, though, a different truth emerged – just as real, but much more healthy: ‘You have been blessed with a roof over your head, a job, a loving family and good health. You live in a place you adore. You have friends who love you, and opportunities beyond the dreams of earlier generations of women. All these things are a gift that you have done nothing to deserve.’

If I look at others with a heart of envy, coveting their blessings and turning a blind eye to their trials, of course I will feel dissatisfied and ungrateful, and I will rob myself of the joy of my own blessings. When I compare myself with others from a position of security in who God made me to be, however, with a heart of gratitude for all he has given me and done for me, I can see the hurts and the needs in others. Even more amazingly, I will find that I have gifts, talents and opportunities to meet those needs, and in my generosity, I find God blessing me even more.

One last quick example: I was sitting in church feeling lonely one day. I had been going to that church for a while and though I had several acquaintances, I didn’t really have any friends. There was no-one I would automatically go and sit with, no-one to have coffee with after the service. As I looked at all the smiling, happy, chatty faces around me, feeling sorry for myself, God said “If you feel like that, other people probably do, too. What are you going to do about it?”

There was my answer. Don’t compare yourself with the happy people, compare yourself with the lonely ones, who might be even more shy than you. I joined the Welcome team, making it my task to do all I could to help others find friends and connections in church. I loved it, and it’s fun to see now, years later, how some of the friendships I initiated have grown and flourished.

And it won’t surprise you to learn that through serving others, I also found friendships and connections, and never have time to feel lonely any more.

How would it change your life to start comparing yourself with others, with a thankful heart? Go on, give it a try.