Years ago, when my kids were tiny, I thought staying up all night to feed them was a real sacrifice. I’m pretty sure, I’d go back in time this second to stay up for the simple joy of one night feeding. It was quiet. They couldn’t talk. No sassing, no negotiating … Just eating. When they were little, I almost always knew what they needed. And I could usually provide it.
Now… it’s a whole new ball game.
I have pre-teens. Being a parent to a pre-teen is pure blissful joy one second and a pain in the ass the next. Working with a pre-teen is like trying to catch a barn cat. They love you one moment, mostly because you’re offering food. The next moment, they want to claw your eyes out. Not to mention the hissing.
They’re happy, kissing you on the cheek, telling you how much they love you. Then, like a flash storm, they want to throw you over the ship like Jonah, and blame you for everything that’s gone wrong. More than that, they want you to take the blame like Jonah did. Which, on some days, I’m happy to do. Other days, I smile nicely and say, “Not gonna happen, sweet pea. You decided not to clean your room. This one’s on you, today.”
Right now, my children are both up in my room sleeping in. We had a slumber party last night and watched re-runs of Friends. They’re going to wake up and be ready for me to hand them summer on a silver platter. I am going to tell them to go back to bed.
Truth is, I love those kids more than I love my own life. They are the two people in this world who have brought me to the end of myself and taught me what it means to really love another person, day in and day out. To choose their good over my own. I’ve cried more tears on their behalf than God has bottles to store them.
The thing about being a parent, is how quickly we realize we are almost completely powerless over a hundred things that really matter for them.
My kids are strong, resilient, honest and forthright. They’re also incredibly human. As their mother, I have an insatiable desire to make life good and perfect for them. I want them to be happy. I want my kids to be liked by everyone. I want them to get picked for the team, to have good friends, and no heartbreaks please …
This is where parenting becomes the ground of a real prayer life. How many times a day do we ask God to help our kids? A hundred times? How many times a day do we beg God for help not to kill them? Or how about asking for wisdom? I never know what to do. I have to pray and think and pray and think and then, trust my gut. Which could be wrong.
If we’re being honest, when we think of what it could be like … most of us see God’s grace over our kids in a thousands ways. Yet, if God gave me a magic wand, I’d wave that thing so fast, we’d all get whiplash. This is probably why God isn’t about magic wands. He’s not about quick fixes on anything. God is about the long haul of life. The day in and day out choice to love our kids and be present in their lives. God is about helping us see them aright and teaching us to love them for who they are, not who we’d like them to be.
My boyfriend and I were talking about parenting yesterday. He has a bunch of kids. Most are grown, a few are still young. He prays for wisdom. I pray for wisdom. Somehow we muddle forward.
Parenting is a good place to learn we don’t have it all together, to learn how to love and how to choose relationship over being right. It’s good ground to practice saying you’re sorry and figuring out what it means to make restitution. It’s also a good place to learn how to forgive. Because they break our hearts sometimes.
I love both of my parents for a thousand reasons. Mostly, I love them because they’re my parents. They are the ones who brought me into this world and I’m thankful to be here, so I’m thankful for them. They have both modeled what it means to forgive, to ask for forgiveness, and take responsibility for their own shit. Which, is no easy thing. It’s far easier to cast blame and point the finger. It takes great integrity and humility to simply say, “I’m sorry.”
They’ve taught me that there’s strength in learning to take responsibility, to apologize, and move forward. They’ve both taught me that no matter what happens, life becomes more bearable when we learn to yield, to be open to change, and to have it as an absolute priority to choose one another. We love our children because they are the people God has given us to love. Pre-teen, or not.
For Reflection and Conversation: Who are the people God has given you to love? How are they teaching you to pray?
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I love your analogy between parenting pre-teens and chasing a barn cat! It seems to me that the primary characteristic needed in parenting babies and young children is energy (so it’s a good thing most of us get to do it while we are still young); and that the primary trait needed in parenting teens is wisdom (and, hopefully we have cultivated a little wisdom by the time they get there!) One thing about genuine wisdom is that it lives in the space between uncertainty and humility. We rarely get to be sure that we are doing exactly the right thing! May God grant all of us the ability to parent our pre-teens, teens, and young adults from that space–and to coat the whole thing in prayer!
Blessings,
John
Wisdom indeed. I feel like it’s what I’m seeking and asking God for daily. I appreciate the thought that wisdom lives in the space in between humility and uncertainty. Praise God!
xox