What Does it Mean to Forgive, Anyways?

Forgiveness is a loaded word, isn’t it? Does forgiveness mean it didn’t matter? Does it mean I’m over the hurt? Does it mean the person who hurt me has no responsibility in the matter, and I’ve let them off the hook? And where does justice come into the picture?

I wrestle with how to maintain a sense of self and forgive the one who wounded me.

I’ve been struggling with forgiveness, of late. In particular, I’ve been withholding it from someone because I’m about as mad as nails at him. He disagreed over some of my life choices and I couldn’t take the criticism, the self-righteous I-would-do-it-differently-than-you. I had no bandwidth to engage in an argument about my choices, which to me, seemed life or death. The situation was complex and I couldn’t see my way through it, so I stepped aside. I felt betrayed and horribly hurt. Time has come and gone, months have passed, and I haven’t known how to enter into dialogue, even with God about it. The whole situation confused me. I haven’t known how to forgive and also maintain my sense of self-respect, so I shoved it to the side and ignored it.

Last week, I was in church listening to a sermon that had absolutely nothing to do with forgiveness. But I couldn’t get this person out of my head. I’ve been going through the story, the scenario between me and this person, making a list of what they’d have to do for me to reconcile with them, what would need to happen in order re-establish a connection. My internal list was quite simple. The person would have to admit he was wrong and apologize to me.

Then, in that subtle way with God, he hit me over the head with a hammer.

God reminded me of when Jesus was on the cross and in a cry of mercy, he asked God to forgive the ones who were hurting him … because they didn’t know what they were doing. There was so much self-righteousness among the people who killed Jesus. Some of them thought they were doing what was right. Even in that, Jesus was able to extend mercy in the middle of his own death. He still saw their humanity and asked God to remember it, too.

Was Jesus justifying their actions? No, he wasn’t.

I’ve been withholding forgiveness, avoiding reconciliation because I’ve been afraid it would mean I’ve come to agree with this person or that somehow it would be perceived as me having some sort of I-see-the-error-of-my-ways kind of experience. Or it would mean I was supposed to subject myself to his viewpoint on certain matters.

Forgiveness certainly doesn’t mean that … We can still maintain our boundaries of self-care if we forgive.

Even with good boundaries in place, I can begin to open my heart and release them and choose to stop nursing my wound. I can begin to see that we were at very different places in our lives and it was near impossible for him to understand my point of view. And that maybe this person was trying to do the right thing.

We forgive, not because they were right and we were wrong, or because we’ve seen the error of our ways. This does happen, yes. But most of the time, we are called upon to forgive, and the person may never ever know the extent to which they’ve harmed us. Nor even be willing to admit they were wrong. 

Forgiveness has something to do with release and love, with giving people over to the care of God and trusting God to work in their lives.

Forgiveness begins with a willingness to accept the fragile humanity of the other. It also has something to do with a willingness to accept the fragile humanity in myself. 

If it’s appropriate to be in relationship with the person, we may choose to begin opening the door of reconciliation, or we may, for our own personal reasons, choose to stay out of intimate contact with the one who hurt us. But we can still forgive and pray for their well-being. 

In my case, I can let my friend go down his own path and pray for his well-being. That it would go well for him… that he would taste and see the goodness of the Lord and that God would be kind to him, as God has been kind to me.

For some, the idea of forgiving a specific person, or people overwhelms you and makes you feel trapped, suffocated, and invalidated. You can’t even begin to go there without confusion and a whirlwind of emotions surfacing.

I can relate. 

For me, it starts with talking to God about the wound and naming it. And then in time, it goes to asking God to heal the wound and patching me up. Then… over time, I begin to hear the gentle whisper of the Spirit, who encourages me to let go of the anger and resentment, the bitter pill of humiliation and release that person and their power over me into the care of God, who knows how to bring us all to peace …