It’s in community, not isolation, where we discover we are worthy of love.
Some of us discovered we were worthy of love at our mother’s breast, called into being by a gentle voice who wanted us, who delighted in our mere existence.
For others, they receive no such thing.
This world is an awe-striking mix of overwhelming beauty and absolute heart-wrenching pain. Sometimes, along the way, other voices clog the system and we find ourselves scrambling all over the globe for affirmation of our self-worth, for someone, anyone to tell us that we are significant, that we matter, that our value is intrinsic, and that it’s safe to rest in the security of a loving community.
I have struggled to believe I’m loved my entire life. I’m not altogether sure why. There were issues in my family of origin, of course, and I suffered the all-consuming peer rejection in Jr. high many of us know so well. I also suffered a couple heartbreaks in my formative years that took me a long time to recover from, but truthfully, it’s far deeper than that.
It’s the fear that if someone really knew me, they’d be disappointed in what they discover. This fear comes and goes depending on the season. Specific circumstances trigger it. A bad review, a rejection letter, the discovery someone is gossiping about me, or simple exhaustion.
Taking a giant risk and trying something new also exposes my underlying fears.
In the early years of being a mother I struggled all the time with feelings of self-contempt and worry. I’d yell at my children more than a good mom is supposed to, or I’d lose my cool in a supermarket and say something shaming to them and then, like a tsunami, feelings of self-hatred and shame and worry would drag me under and I’d spin out into the great abyss of self-loathing, absolutely certain I sucked on every level. Especially as a mom. Which was the one thing I cared the most about. I wanted to be a good mother more than I wanted anything else.
On the whole, I think I am a good mom. But in those early years, my insatiable need to be perfect and give my kids this picture perfect life, drove me into this uptight, high spinning, frustrated space. A place where there was no room to breathe.
And then, life beat the shit out of me. Which helped me on several levels. I discovered that the drive to give anyone, even my kids, and most importantly myself, a picture perfect life, to be a picture perfect person, will drive you insane. It’s too much. There is no picture perfect life. There is no picture perfect person. It’s a myth. There is only life. There is only humanity. In all the ups and downs and detours and false starts, and the long journey home to ourselves, to others, and to God.
When I get lost in the need to give off the air of perfection and pretend like everything is just hunky-dory, good to go, but inside I’m in the battle of my life trying to reconcile my real honest to goodness fears with the deep need to be loved, I’ve discovered a couple of things that help me. Especially when I get lost in the sea of insecurity and want to hide from everyone, physically and metaphorically.
The first thing is spending time with God. However you spend time time with God. I go on walks. I get up in the middle of the night and cry out to God in the dark. I journal. I talk to God about my feelings, about my insecurities in the most honest way I know how. I always ask God to help me. In that honest place of intimacy with the Divine, as I talk it out, a balm usually comes. Not immediately, but God’s presence does assuage my feelings of insecurity, especially feelings of dark self-contempt. Prayer really does help. Especially, if it’s honest and from the heart. When I give up the need to have it all together, I discover the goodness of knowing the One who has me altogether in his watchful care.
The other is, of course, community.
It is in community, the real, heart-felt, come-as-you-are community, where we discover the joy of being perfectly flawed and absolutely loved all at the same time, where we encounter the life-giving power of being with people who know us and believe in our worth.
For Reflection and Conversation: Have you ever struggled with feeling like you need to be perfect, but also have an insatiable need to be loved just as you are? How do you find relief?
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