The Practice of Creating a New Normal

For the past six years my life has been in a constant state of upheaval. I sold my home in the States. Sold my cars. Moved to Chile. I lived in Chile for three years and during those three years moved about four times, published a novel, went back and forth to Seattle for one big book launch, navigated life in another country, moved to thirty acres, warmed my home and my hot water with fire, and cooked over fire. I endured some painful things, which eventually led me back to Seattle with my two kids. Penniless and fairly downtrodden.

I moved in with a good friend. Enrolled my children in school. Started a job at Costco. Quit that job for a better job. I got divorced. I met John. I started dating John. My kids met John. I fell in love with John. I married John. Then I moved to John’s house in Carnation. Then, I quit my job and started another job closer to home. It’s been a very big whirlwind. Lots of pain. Buckets of tears. Surprising and unexpected joy in the middle of overwhelming loss. There’s been laughter. Heaps of Anxiety. Damaged friendships, along with unwavering and unrelenting kindred spirits. Long counseling sessions. Many long nights of prayer, marathon walks with God, and an enduring faith that continues to anchor and ground me.

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All of us understand what it means to walk through difficult and unexpected transitions. Some have gone through even more change than I have, or more painful change. I had the great privilege of falling in love with a good man who loves me and treats me in a way I deeply appreciate. Some of you have gone through divorce and are trying to decide if you want to tread the waters of something new ever again. Some of you have been diagnosed with life-altering disease and you were told you must create a new normal for your life. The life you once knew, is not the life you will ever have again. This is devastating. Some are reeling from the political change and are frightened about what it might mean for you and your family.

While great upheaval is painful and life-altering, it’s also an open space for finding God and learning to practice faith.

Perhaps because of all the terrible change, your faith is now a day-to-day, pray-every-moment kind of faith. Or maybe you’re pissed off at God for everything that is going on and you don’t want a new normal. You want what you had before and  have sunk your heels into the ground and want to flip off everyone and everything. I totally understand.

The other day, in the quiet of the evening, after dinner, when I was cleaning up the kitchen, it occurred to me that somehow, against all odds, I’ve created a new normal for my life. I have adjusted to something absolutely new. I have found my way, once again toward joy. It’s not that I don’t get teary eyed over things that happened, or that I feel good all the time about loss and change. I still cry and flinch, and I still worry about my kids and how they’ll do. But I am not longer looking back and wishing things were still the way they were ten years ago, or living in regret wishing I could undo decisions that I made. I have found my way to acceptance and from there, to life.

Here are a few things that I think have helped me.

Ruthless Honesty with myself and with God. Denial has a place in life and don’t I know it! Change is hard. Sometimes it’s a hell of a lot easier to pretend that no change is needed or that no changes have occurred. But in the long run reality does catch up with us. I recommend ruthless honesty with yourself and with God. Sometimes you have to pray a whole lot of bullshit to actually get to the truth of your own heart… but if you’re tenacious and dogged, you’ll find the truth, usually just sitting there waiting to be said and lived out. 

Find a good Counselor or Spiritual Director. A couple weeks ago I was freaking out about two really big things in my life and I could NOT find the truth or my center or my grounded-ness in either of them. So, I wrote an email to my counselor and told her I was in need of a chat. Thank God for counselors!  She let me cry and wail about a few things and then she said … that a particular person in my life still had too much power over me. This made me cry. There was the truth I hadn’t been able to get to alone.

“How do I get to a place where that person doesn’t have any power over me?” I asked.

Sue said … “Well, what is the need you are trying to meet?” There it was. Big alligator tears rolled down my cheeks. It took me a few moments and then I could name it. When I named the need I desperately needed to meet, I could talk to God about it and ask God to show me a healthier way to meet my needs.

Be Patient with Yourself and with the People around you. You don’t adjust to a new normal in a day. It takes time. Be patient with yourself and the people around you. These things take time.

In the middle of creating a new normal, don’t forget to do one or two things that bring you joy. I get lost in duty and obligation really quickly. Force yourself to do one or two things for the sheer joy of them. Nothing else. Maybe it’s taking the dog on a walk or reading a novel or baking a cake, or going to a matinee.

Choose relationship over self-protection. Know who your true friends are and stick with them. Let the ones who want to tell you how to live your life and solve your problems with their solutions go on their way, but invest in the friends who love you and give you room to be vulnerable and not have it all together.

How about you? What are some good practical steps you’ve taken in the middle of transition? 

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